tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-50792954213754251452024-03-19T05:49:08.817-07:00The clearing at the end of the pathFormerly a motorcycle blog, evolved into a therapeutic outlet for the ramblings of the mind Hooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.comBlogger38125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5079295421375425145.post-53287316830560926952017-05-28T20:29:00.000-07:002017-05-28T20:29:47.229-07:00Good evening people! Today I am relaxing after a fantastic weekend with my little dude, cycling and enjoying some beautiful spring weather. It is now an awesome lighting and thunder show outside, so I'm pretty happy with the day.<br />
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So I'm writing about some thoughts that I've been putting off somewhat. I hadn't wanted to get down on things, and essentially I want to invest my time into myself, being positive, and sharing that as much as I can with others. Given my history, that is a welcome goal to have.<br />
I have had time to consider a couple of thoughts that have been presented to me, one of which is the dependency on another person in a romantic capacity, but I suppose this could be relevant in any type of relationship. I certainly have experienced loss and rejection, particularly in a very committed relationship but I really can't see fighting constantly to cling to something after it ends. For starters, trying to convince someone to be with you if they've have moved on just doesn't add up. A relationship is connection woven with reciprocity, and not something that can be negotiated. To quote Our Lady Peace, "Happiness is not a fish you can catch". I firmly believe that if the "chaser" continues to pursue a person not so inclined, they really put an unfair burden and pressure on them, to the point that it completely disregards the "chasee's" well being. And to what end? I honestly cannot quite get what the final goal could possibly be. Getting someones heart is not a result of attrition folks. Further to that, being a bit trite with remarks when the pursuit is unsuccessful can guarantee only one thing, and is the persons permanent departure. It's sad to think that a possible cordial friendship ends because of an all or nothing approach was taken. It's sad when mental health can have a role in this exact scenario, but the facts remain the same. Ultimately a person HAS to participate in the outcome that they are after. Meaning if you cannot bear the reality of a relationship ending, seek professional help. If you are in a relationship that is not healthy for you, remove yourself from it. Dependency on a person is no different than a dependency on substances, eating, any addiction really. Depend on YOU. Seriously, I've been a poster boy for depression for some time, and it's knowing that I am who I am that got me alive again. The people who love me don't feel that way because I depend on them, trust me.<br />
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Enough heavy shit. I'm going to see TOOL on Wed, so have a listen with me:<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tja6_h4lT6A" target="_blank">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tja6_h4lT6A</a>Hooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5079295421375425145.post-34772536759296128042016-12-09T21:40:00.001-08:002016-12-19T20:55:19.076-08:00Dreams So. This one is going to be really, really hard to start, let alone get right. I feel like this is the real reason I ever started a blog in the first place, despite that being a number of years ago now. I didn't know it at the time, and even now I am only beginning to acknowledge it.<br />
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I'm writing today to dig into a dark little corner of my brain. I feel like I've had a struggle, a very dark and very significant struggle throughout my life. Those who know me might know about a few interesting traits; my inability to make eye contact, the fact I can be a little too loyal, cannot say no to people, can be a little distant, really uncomfortable with physical contact, and most of all, very tense. I have no doubt that there are more to mention, but these are what I notice myself a lot of the time. Internally though, I have much bigger struggles. I probably cannot reach them all right now, but I feel like I really need to address one of the biggies.<br />
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Depression is almost a household name these days, and I'm no exception. To be more specific however, I have a real struggle with two big things. The ability to be happy, and I cannot stop thinking about dying and/or suffering badly. Not exactly suicidal thoughts in the traditional way, but more like being prepared to go, and to deserve the most brutal exit I can imagine.<br />
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In the case of the former, I was asked very directly recently about what made me happy, and I completely drew a blank. I mean, I know I love my son completely, as I do the people close to me, but as far as things that a person does, or pursues for happiness, there is not a single thing. I feel like I've become apathetic in fact. I'm very prepared in every possible situation to lose, to have to survive again, to hurt, and to carry it alone. I pretty much always limit my involvement in a given situation so that when I inevitably crash and burn, I can maintain the simple little safe life I have. I used to be extremely passionate about many things, and I was very optimistic about any goal I set for myself. Right now though, it is completely opposite of that. I have somehow managed to cling to music, although I sense the struggle it is to feel the love I once had for it all those years ago. I worry about my appearance, but I do nothing to change it. I worry about my health, but won't stick to any of the things I need to do to protect it.<br />
Relationships have been a real struggle for me especially. I meet great people, and within a short time I can almost always see the inevitable pressure, strain, conflict, etc that leads to a conclusion. I will write another passage shortly to expand on those remarks, but for now suffice to say that it is an area I'm having a tough time finding happiness in. Basically, I feel like most of the time I really don't give a shit, because I expect things to end for me. I can remember a time when I had lofty, lifelong goals, and I was happy to pour in the effort to achieve them. I'm learning that some of the scars I've picked up along the away is the fact that I can't possibly see or understand that effort anymore. In my own situation, and in many I see near me, it seems that these wonderful goals are just that much more fragile, and less likely to succeed. Everybody is broken. I fight hard to not be a cynic, but my pragmatic self brings me there every single time. There are therapies, drugs, support groups, but again, and maybe I'm alone in this thinking, but none of it changes the reality that everything is so vulnerable.<br />
I used to have a little private balance in my happiness when I could daydream. It was great; listening to some good music, or just taking in some scenery, and getting kind of lost in the randomness of it. Even at night, I could steer the dream a bit. I could shape the life I thought I wanted, always make people happy, and simply not be detracted by the usual stuff in life. It gave me that little daily intermission when I could take a breath, regroup and go back at life like everyone else. There's a little passage I'll borrow from a writer here, tweaked slightly to suit the illustration I'm after:<br />
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<i>The dream is as real to me now as my waking life</i><br />
<i>I don't know when one begins and the other ends</i><br />
<i>I wish I could tell you. but I'm afraid to</i><br />
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<i>In my dreams, nothing holds me down</i><br />
<i>Everything's out and away</i><br />
<i>There's nothing in my life to keep me here anymore</i><br />
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<i>I wish I could die</i><br />
<i>and be born again as a....</i><br />
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I suppose this is a good point to transition to the latter. As I said earlier, I don't consider myself suicidal at all. I do however have a constant feeling of my pending death, almost wishing for its arrival. This is not elective for me, it's just how I feel. Every single day, every single night, the dreams I used to look forward to as an escape are now dominated by thoughts of a self-loathing I'm not sure I can describe. Sometimes I think about being publicly beaten. Other times it's about being violently murdered, and sometimes it's a pretty spectacular vehicular crash. I'm a long way from understanding why these thoughts occur, but I am seeing some relevance with the cynicism I carry after a few too many setbacks in life. I'm really, really tired. There is never enough time to fix things, there is never enough time to learn, never time to be happy. It's almost comical when you see all the mental health awareness posts on social media, or stumble into a conversation when people apparently acknowledge these struggles. The fact is, we are collectively about as far away from managing this environment as a cow is from playing hockey. THAT is why I'm so damn tired. This isn't quite in the category of "mindfulness", this is a predictable result from a badly structured environment. I'm starting to feel like the old man who was raised not knowing about the dangers of lead paint and cigarettes, and is currently dying of cancer. We can tell our kids and save them from a similar fate, but the damned remain as they are.<br />
I'm afraid that's all I can do tonight. Kinda tired after allHooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5079295421375425145.post-14633364225820324362016-06-05T19:06:00.002-07:002016-06-05T19:06:35.925-07:00Good peopleLots of music, lots of people, lots to think about!<br />
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This post is about people. They could be your friends of many years, they could be friends just starting, or they could be brief acquaintances. They could be family. This is is about how lucky we are, to be able to connect and to care about each other. To be able to teach, to be able to learn.<br />
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Over recent weeks, I've had several close friends in completely unrelated scenarios go through some really tough times. Really heartbreaking stuff to be honest, and it was very hard seeing people I cared about in that kind of pain. There were many spontaneous and very long conversations, and they really poured their hearts out. It occurred to me just how important it was for me to be there to listen, and how much trust they must have in me to share their pain that way. Not surprisingly, these are all the same people that were there during my dark years that I've written about in this blog. It really struck me just how important it is to be available and be understanding when people need you, regardless of where on your journey you may be at the time. You may not always have answers or advice; being a sounding board for people when they are working through things may be just what they need. The big thing is to let them know that they are safe, cared for, and most importantly, being heard. I consider myself infinitely lucky to have these people, in all the different capacities we are in, and to have a role in their lives. I just hope I can do for them all the things they have done for me.<br />
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This kind of ties in with an impromptu conversation I had recently, mostly about a positive attitude, but also about the role I have with my son. As you may or may not know, my little guy is on the spectrum with Asperger's, and he is very much the biggest thing in my world! Seeing a little person with the struggles he has getting people to understand him really opened my eyes to so much, not the least of which is really listening to someone. This is not typically in the school setting, and this can make some pretty big waves in a developing mind. As a parent, and presumably as an educator, we need to remember that our job is not to create or build the person we want them to be, but to give them the tools and ability to become themselves. This is very crucial for all children, and it is also relevant when you see an adult struggling through something as well. They may not arrive at the same solutions you will, and they may have a very different path to discover things, but that's ok!<br />
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I guess that I'm really getting my teeth into such a milestone in my life, and my level of understanding, that I really want to express how grateful I am. Every conversation, every person I meet, and every moment I spend with my son has taught me so much, and really brought me some peace in my soul. It's a great world out there, with great people in it.<br />
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Anyway, here's some cool tunes:<br />
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzQY7yRDil0" target="_blank">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzQY7yRDil0</a><br />
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xp2P6JKc1QE&list=RDxp2P6JKc1QE" target="_blank">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xp2P6JKc1QE&list=RDxp2P6JKc1QE</a><br />
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgCiJNHgCJQ" target="_blank">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgCiJNHgCJQ</a><br />
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<br />Hooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5079295421375425145.post-87772789352419687452014-04-11T20:05:00.000-07:002014-11-08T21:13:32.821-08:00Outrunning the past Spring is finally here! I've been on the motorcycle once with my son, windows are open at home, and I'm not wearing a coat this week!<br />
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I'm writing this time after having quite a wonderful evening recently. This last week or two have been significant in that I have made a few more steps that are pretty big, and somehow I'm coming out to the other side with a little smile emerging. At work, I've had some issues that have finally grown to a point that a decision needed to be made, and after a 19 year run, I'm going to be moving on. It is a matter of considerable stress for me, but I've got to make a change for the sake of survival and long term happiness.<br />
I may have also mentioned before that I am facing a pretty ugly financial reality, and this week I took the first and biggest steps to address it. It'll be a long road, but I am finally emerging from the errors I made previously, and moving toward a stable future.<br />
Also, Julie and I are going to be finalizing the divorce in the next week or so. We have been very fortunate; we have managed to find our way through the separation on our own, and have become good friends. We are actually going to be going for a celebratory dinner once the paperwork is final, and we will raising a glass in honor of our new futures.<br />
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While I was kind of surmising my overall status (broke, soon to be unemployed, and divorced, lol) I had the chance to go and see an absolutely gifted and amazing musician, in the company of a couple of great old friends. I realized just how lucky I am, and I felt a true happiness that I was on the right track after letting go. I beat my smoking addiction. I am a huge part of my son's life. I love my friends. I feel nothing but love and warmth from those close to me, and I can't overstate how thankful I am to be healthy enough to enjoy it. On the road to recovery, as they say.<br />
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To keep in the spirit of sharing great music, here is a little tune from the aforementioned musician I went to see the other night. He had the whole crowd entranced when he played this one:<br />
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tA2qfXsq9co<br />
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tA2qfXsq9co">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tA2qfXsq9co</a>Hooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5079295421375425145.post-13458367107726347332014-03-25T21:30:00.002-07:002016-06-05T18:09:23.748-07:00Faith, music, and irony<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v9yUVgrmPY">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v9yUVgrmPY</a><br />
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Good evening friends!. I hope the day finds you well, wherever you are in the world! I'm sitting at home, late at night waiting patiently for this cantankerous winter to move on for a change, lol. I guess my motivation for posting is a little bit more vague this time; I have many thoughts on my mind these days, but I'm struggling to find a way to articulate them the way I want to for this blog.<br />
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I guess I'll refer first to the the "ironic" song link I posted....It mostly caught my attention (20 years after its release, lol) for it's musical energy and exuberance, especially the harmonies, but its lyrics gave me pause as well. In retrospect, I can't help but appreciate the irony of the last few years, with respect to my own experiences as well as of those close to me. Speaking about relationships, I have seen how my own marriage had the opposite trajectories for both of us. My ex (with whom I enjoy a healthy friendship now) wanted a great deal of independence and freedom in her life, and has found herself in a couple of relationships, up to and including one now that is progressing and maturing at a pretty good pace. This is not a bad thing of course; I just can't help but appreciate the irony of her predicament, as someone who wanted a good long break from a committed relationship to now find herself in one. I am genuinely happy for her, and although I know she is nervous, I think it has all the earmarks of something good and lasting. A further irony, is that I am the opposite....I craved a long-term relationship, a partnership if you will. I have zero interest in being a lone-wolf in terms of my place in the world, but I am just enough of a free spirit that the right partner is extremely elusive, so much so that I am wondering if I should exclude that part of my life for the foreseeable future. I have been dating a fair bit, or at least I guess that's what they call it. Thankfully, I have met some wonderful people, but I have not been able to make that emotional connection. Among other things, both musical expression and religion seem to be stumbling blocks. Weird combination! That is how I will smoothly segue into the second link I posted, lol.....<br />
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So, the feared public discussion about faith. I have no idea if my views are unique and I reside alone way out in left field, or what. Basically, I completely believe that there is a God in the way we understand and define God in a Christian interpretation, however I also believe that God has been revealed or lives in many different ways among everyone on earth. I do not believe that the way we necessarily practice faith is completely correct for all people, nor do I subscribe to any one denomination. I don't see the bible and the teachings quite the same way as most Christians do, but I don't doubt or question those who follow it in the traditional sense. Unfortunately, in my past that has led me to be excommunicated more than once, and in the back of my mind, I fear that it will happen again. It's extremely difficult to depict my dilemma in the space available on this blog, but essentially I believe that God has a connection with people on an individual basis, not as a group per say. I'm not trying to be a convenient hypocrite, but the amount of translation that has been lost over the years, not to mention to simple difference in exposure to the world that people experience has me believing a basic morality to guide me, plain and simple. Now, that has caused some distress in my relationships from both sides of the coin; I'm not a true Christian to some, and others have ridiculed me for even trying to be a good guy for the beliefs that I have.<br />
Anyway, I'm probably boring the life out of you with this post, but basically I am finding myself in a weird void, and it's a very lonely kind of place. I don't expect I'll ever find the answer to this particular dilemma, but I am staying true to my faith and who I am. I feel as though I am good to people, and generous with my heart. I can't quote scripture, and I swear too much, but I have a great deal of love in my heart for everyone. Have another song to enjoy:<br />
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LukEq643Mk">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LukEq643Mk</a>Hooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5079295421375425145.post-2578936432427076552014-02-17T16:49:00.000-08:002014-02-17T16:49:59.512-08:00Car crash<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qw1QOrzZYbI">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qw1QOrzZYbI</a><br />
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Hello! Yes, I've been very quiet on here for some time. Kind of a long, self imposed period of time for reflection I guess. What better way t come back than to have a post littered with metaphors and gloom! lol<br />
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About the song.....Our lady peace, and the song title is car crash. It's well worth a listen; very moody and dark, best listened too alone at the end of the day. The subtleties I personally took out of the song had me reflect on a number of things I've experienced over the years. More recently, this has to do with my professional working affiliations, but there are connections to previous family conflicts, and some relationships of years gone by. Perhaps the reader can relate in this way too!<br />
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In my case, I'm aware that depression has touched me somewhat over the years. I have a tendency to let the actions of others wear me down spiritually, and it can be a heavy weight to carry. I know this is anything but unique, but it is what I feel. In this song, I feel like it speaks to a familiar dynamic, usually displayed in a scenario where there is a predatory force, exerting their will over another. In many relationships of any given variety, the bully, or predator, will grind down and victimize the partner right to their limit. But, at the point of breaking, they are also the ones to "save' their victim, and bring them back into their arms, feigning love, dependency, etc and let the cycle start again. This is a pattern of abuse, make no mistake. I am very much going through this at work, but I have also faced it within my family. This is a very painful admission, and the part of this song that really prompted me to write about this, is the depiction of the futility that this abuse can create in someone's mind. It definitely feels like there is no winning or surviving the conflict. Stay, and continue to live the abuse. Leave, and be destroyed, or succumb to failure of a life you cannot live alone. Pretty self-defeating, no? It's really nothing complicated to see how some people can be driven to suicide. This kind of despair, futility, and lack of self-confidence can do a lot of damage. Speaking as someone who is very much sensitive to these emotions, I would humbly ask this of the reader.....take your actions with people with this in mind. You don't always know what someone is thinking or feeling, and it would always be a better way to address someone by re-affirming their worth and place in the world. They may not belong at your side, but they belong somewhere, and it is not for us to stand in the way of that. Getting in the way just results in a crash, and as for me, I don't really want to end that way.Hooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5079295421375425145.post-63325135245287910602013-11-11T15:22:00.000-08:002013-11-11T15:22:05.011-08:00Just give it a listen. Don't talk, just take it in<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaXoN1xwYW8">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaXoN1xwYW8</a>Hooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5079295421375425145.post-42341472066439738642013-09-24T22:33:00.000-07:002013-09-24T22:34:44.393-07:00Not a good day (or month, or year)<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAriDxTeed8">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAriDxTeed8</a><br />
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<b><i><u>Well, you're my friend, (that's what you told me)<br />And can you see (what's inside of me)<br />Many times we've been out drinking<br />And many times we've shared our thoughts<br />But did you ever, ever notice, the kind of thoughts I got<br />Well you know I have a love, a love for everyone I know<br />And you know I have a drive to live I won't let go<br />But can you see it's opposition, comes arising up sometimes<br />That it's dreadful antiposition, comes blacking in my mind<br /><br />And then I see a darkness<br />And then I see a darkness<br />And then I see a darkness<br />And then I see a darkness<br />And did you know how much I love you<br />Is a hope that somehow you, you<br />Can save me from this darkness<br /><br />Well I hope that someday buddy<br />We have peace in our lives<br />Together or apart<br />Alone or with our wives<br />And we can stop our whoring<br />And pull the smiles inside<br />And light it up forever<br />And never go to sleep<br />My best unbeaten brother<br />This isn't all I see<br /><br />Oh no, I see a darkness<br />Oh no, I see a darkness<br />Oh no, I see a darkness<br />Oh no, I see a darkness<br />And did you know how much I love you<br />Is a hope that somehow you, you<br />Can save me from this darkness</u></i></b></div>
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Hello friends! It's been a while, hasn't it? I took the summer off in an attempt to recharge, and get a little direction happening in my life. I dubbed the season "the summer of Hooper", and managed to cross a few items off my bucket list. I quit smoking in April, managed to run 10kms, and rode my motorcycle to Cape Breton, NS and around the Cabot trail. I drummed for a considerable number of shows, and finally sold my house. I was able to teach my son how to ride a bicycle, ride a tube behind a boat, and spent a great deal of time with him in general. It's been a whirlwind of a summer, but a wonderful experience in all. </div>
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So, what's with the gloomy tune in this post? Well, I guess one can try to stay busy, but reality can keep pace on any given day. I'm just feeling pretty down lately, so I hope you can indulge me and tolerate my grumblings. I fear that my list of goals were thinly veiled to hide the fears I have yet to face; I'm embarking on a pretty nasty financial reality, and at some point I need to admit that I'm struggling emotionally with my view on the world. I'm growing very weary of feeling bad about myself, and my dwindling strength to deal with it is concerning me. It would also seem that there are still no shortage of people with poor intentions about, and that just keeps dragging me back down to ground level. I am definitely trying my best to improve myself, maintain a great outlook on life, but the cynicism is hard to deny. I thought originally that if I keep my goals realistic, I would actually achieve them. Apparently, even simple desires are beyond my reach it seems. I certainly don't mean to gripe about my own issues, but in general I feel pretty bad about a lot of the crap people have to go through. It's pretty heartbreaking to think about what people can and will do to each other, and there is no end in sight. This is nothing new of course, I'm just not as well-equipped as I once was to deal with it. I'd give quite a bit to have a little piece of confidence in my portfolio these days, but for now it eludes me.Again, I apologize for such a dreary post, but I'm hurting pretty bad these days. I'll try to do a better job next time. </div>
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Hooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5079295421375425145.post-75322639474756547532013-05-06T14:49:00.000-07:002013-05-06T14:52:06.832-07:00A new season<span class="line line-s" id="line_1" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLrDBb1YuXU">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLrDBb1YuXU</a></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_1" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_1" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">All our times have come</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_2" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">Here, but now there, gone</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_3" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">Seasons don't fear the reaper</i></span><span class="line line-s hover" id="line_4" style="background-attachment: scroll; background-image: none; background-position: 0px 0px; background-repeat: repeat repeat; border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain</i></span><span class="line line-s hover" id="line_5" style="background-attachment: scroll; background-image: none; background-position: 0px 0px; background-repeat: repeat repeat; border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">(We can be like they are)</i></span><i style="background-color: #a64d79;"><br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px;" /></i><span class="line line-s hover" id="line_6" style="background-attachment: scroll; background-image: none; background-position: 0px 0px; background-repeat: repeat repeat; border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">Come on baby</i></span><span class="line line-s hover" id="line_7" style="background-attachment: scroll; background-image: none; background-position: 0px 0px; background-repeat: repeat repeat; border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">(Don't fear the reaper)</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_8" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">Baby take my hand</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_9" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">(Don't fear the reaper)</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_10" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">We'll be able to fly</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_11" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">(Don't fear the reaper)</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_12" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">Baby I'm your man</i></span><i style="background-color: #a64d79;"><br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px;" /></i><span class="line line-s" id="line_15" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">Valentine is done</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_16" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">Here but now they're gone</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_17" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">Romeo and Juliet</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_18" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">Are together in eternity</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_19" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">(Romeo and Juliet)</i></span><i style="background-color: #a64d79;"><br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px;" /></i><span class="line line-s" id="line_20" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">40,000 men and women every day</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_21" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">(Like Romeo and Juliet)</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_22" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">40,000 men and women every day</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_23" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">(Redefine happiness)</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_24" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">Another 40,000 coming every day</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_25" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">(We can be like they are)</i></span><i style="background-color: #a64d79;"><br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px;" /></i><span class="line line-s" id="line_26" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">Come on baby</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_27" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">(Don't fear the reaper)</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_28" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">Baby take my hand</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_29" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">(Don't fear the reaper)</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_30" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">We'll be able to fly</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_31" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">(Don't fear the reaper)</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_32" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">Baby I'm your man</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_34" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;"><br /></i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_35" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">Love of two is one</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_36" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">Here but now they're gone</i></span><i style="background-color: #a64d79;"><br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px;" /></i><span class="line line-s" id="line_37" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">Came the last night of sadness</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_38" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">And it was clear she couldn't go on</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_39" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">Then the door was open and the wind appeared</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_40" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">The candles blew and then disappeared</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_41" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">The curtains flew and then he appeared</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_42" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">(Saying, "Don't be afraid")</i></span><i style="background-color: #a64d79;"><br style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px;" /></i><span class="line line-s" id="line_43" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">Come on baby</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_44" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">(And she had no fear)</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_45" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">And she ran to him</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_46" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">(Then they started to fly)</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_47" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">They looked backward and said goodbye</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_48" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">(She had become like they are)</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_49" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">She had taken his hand</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_50" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i style="background-color: #a64d79;">(She had become like they are)</i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_50" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i><br /></i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_50" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"> I finally get a chance to post again! It's been a very busy month; I've had a chance to play quite a number of open mic nights, as well as some gigs filling on the drums. It's been great fun for sure, and it has me pumped up for the summer! I'm pretty excited and motivated to get going with life, and as of this writing, I am 2 weeks without a cigarette too. </span><span class="line line-s" id="line_50" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"> As for the inspirational song posted above; I linked a cover version of the Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't fear the Reaper". I guess I've been sort of observing again, as well as thinking about my own life, and I've seen how important it is to embrace the future. Over the winter months I have been able to remain active, meeting many new people with many different dynamics. The whole process over the last 2 years has allowed me to achieve an awareness of how I see the world, and of who I am. I guess I'm just thankful to to be finally seeing the culmination of all these lessons, as they've happened for me, as well as what I've witnessed through others. </span><span class="line line-s" id="line_50" style="border: 0px; display: block; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px;"> I very much feel like I need to be very involved with music, very involved with people, and most of all, focused on my son. I'm doing a great job of letting all of the negative aspects go (see smoking!) and I'm finding a lot of appeal to throwing caution to the wind, and embracing the things that just feel right. There's a lot of wonderful things to experience in life, and as I think it has been beautifully articulated in the song above, it's important not to fear what is in front of you. Don't let the end of a current or past situation be the end of everything. Currently, I sort of feel like transitionally I am in the last two verses of this song :). I am ready to ride the spiral, to see the beauty in the world, to cross over into a new life. I can't expect this song to speak to anyone the way it spoke to me, but I encourage you to give it a listen, preferably on a sunny day, cranked up loud, in a car on a country drive. </span></span></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_50" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i><br /></i></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_50" style="border: 0px; display: block; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i><br /></i></span>Hooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5079295421375425145.post-81773025241742887642013-04-02T23:00:00.000-07:002013-04-02T23:00:31.082-07:00Easter<br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40_QRjjAvTA">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40_QRjjAvTA</a><br />
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This past weekend was Easter, and it was the first one I didn't spend with any of my family. Long story there, but I was able to attend some wonderful services both on Friday and Monday, and I had a family very close to me come and have dinner at my apartment on the Friday night.<br />
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When my friends came for dinner, it was the parents and their three daughters (sweetest kids ever, BTW) . I had myself mentally prepared for a somewhat depressing weekend, what with it being a significant occasion that I was not able to spend with my son, first one living alone, etc. When my friends came, I was presented with the world's coolest chocolate bunny, and a card that they all filled out. I was absolutely blown away, and struggled to maintain my composure when I read the kindest words in that card. It really drove the point home to me, about how lucky I really am, and just how generous my friends can be. They have many relatives and friends, and a very active life, and yet they made the time to share the holiday with me.<br />
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Another first for me this weekend was attending a church service for the Easter weekend. Now, I'm in no position to preach to anyone, but I have been learning a lot at these services. People, relationships, thoughts, are things that have been a very helpful part of me rebuilding my life. During the service I attended on the Sunday, there was an excerpt from the teaching that really put some perspective on the dynamics I'm going through. Part of the teaching pointed to the fact that as people, we often want or expect wrath or vengeance to be visited on others who may have wronged us, or at least as we define it. In the same breath, we wish to only receive love, forgiveness and understanding. That's easy enough to process, but the challenge happens when we may become the target of another's wrath, or when we need to give love and understanding to someone else. In addition, is it enough to just be available to people in need, and to not wish wrath on them? For me, I have been ridiculously stubborn in my life, and I really don't like to ask for help.With regards to my friends, had they not gone the extra mile and demonstrate their kindness, would I have asked for it? I'm certain that most people I know would help if asked, and that has a degree of comfort in it. To answer the question though, I likely would not have asked. The fact is though, I do need their help and kindness, and is it ever amazing to have them reach out to me, as they do with so many people in their lives. If I've learned something here, it's that it really is important to reach out to people, and not necessarily wait until the request is dropped in your lap. For me, the happiness it brought me this weekend, and on many other occasions with this wonderful family, just can't be described. It motivates me to want to be a better person, and at the same time I'm overcome with gratitude for knowing them. I sure don't feel like I deserve that much kindness, but I am determined to become worthy of that consideration by trying to do the same for others. I suppose that's why I referenced the song in the link; I do feel like I am being lifted from a wreckage. And to the family I have been writing about, I will forever be in your debt. I love you guysHooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5079295421375425145.post-86408428134895356322013-03-11T20:48:00.001-07:002013-03-11T20:48:54.931-07:00The grudge<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTLN_MozuPw">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTLN_MozuPw</a><br />
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<b><i><u>Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.<br />Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.<br />Desperate to control all and everything.<br />Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.<br /><br />Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.<br />Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.<br />Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.<br />Terrified of being wrong. Ultimatum prison cell.<br /><br />Saturn ascends, choose one or ten. Hang on or be humbled again.</u></i></b></div>
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Interesting. I've recently had the unique opportunity to reflect on both my own ability to hold a grudge (or not, depends on your perspective) and also to be the object of someone else's grudge. I am writing about this more to capture the feeling I have right now, not necessarily to reflect on my overall position on this sort of thing. This is more of a reaction for me. </div>
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<span style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">Although rarely, I do sometimes think about how I can process the more significant wrong-doings I've been put through in years past. I try not to give them a lot of energy, as they would continue to hurt me, and it would be impossible to reclaim happiness if I dwell on it. It is important however, to learn to protect yourself from further pain, and set a safe boundary in which you let people operate in your life. In addition, I try to keep a safe distance from the specific people who directly hurt me. I wouldn't call this holding a grudge, but I don't want to remain "open for business" to those who cause me pain. It is a fine line, but I would like to think that I have the confidence and strength to be both wary, and yet open to the great people in my world. I can say with confidence that despite the severity of things done to me, I have no appetite for retribution. I simply would ask that they move on; there is no battle to be had here. Life is far to short to dwell on conflict. To be on either side of a conflict inevitably turns cancerous. Nobody ever wins, and all that remains is sadness. I do believe that right or wrong, we must accept that we do not all share the same perspective. It can be hard, but accepting our differences and intricacies is the only way forward. </span></span></div>
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<b><i><u><span style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">Wear the grudge like a crown. Desperate to control.</span><br style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;" /><span style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">Unable to forgive. And sinking deeper.</span><br style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;" /><br style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;" /><span style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">Defining, confining, sinking deeper. Controlling, defining, and we're sinking deeper.</span><br style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;" /><br style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;" /><span style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">Saturn comes back around to show you everything</span><br style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;" /><span style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">Let's you choose what you will not see and then</span><br style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;" /><span style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">Drags you down like a stone or lifts you up again</span><br style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;" /><span style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">Spits you out like a child, light and innocent.</span><br style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;" /><br style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;" /><span style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">Saturn comes back around. Lifts you up like a child or</span><br style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;" /><span style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">Drags you down like a stone to </span><br style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;" /><span style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">Consume you till you choose to let this go. </span><br style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;" /><span style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">Choose to let this go.</span><br style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;" /><br style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;" /><span style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">Give away the stone. Let the oceans take and transmutate this cold and fated </span><br style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;" /><span style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">anchor.</span><br style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;" /><span style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">Give away the stone. Let the waters kiss and transmutate these leaden grudges </span><br style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;" /><span style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;">into gold.</span></u></i></b></div>
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<span style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;"> And now, for the other side of the coin. In a matter of a few days, I have witnessed resentment towards others, resentment towards me, and it stirred a number of emotions. I can't preach to people, and tell them how they should process things, but perhaps I can offer this: Being someone who is the subject of a grudge, there is not always a way available to rectify it when you are met with hostility. For me specifically, I have been confronted no less than twice in one day, by two different people, on two very different issues. The conflict I have, is that in both cases, I cannot change things from years ago, and in the other case, I cannot change or predict the future. In both of my scenarios, at the core of it all, it is as simple as having a different perspective. I don't have any negative feelings towards these people, but it has been made very clear to me that there is hatred in their hearts, and the things said to me were very much full of spite and ill-will. For this, I can only respond in one way: This conflict is not a result of inconsiderate deeds, heartless actions or selfishness. I am truly sorry that your grudge against me sits upon a foundation of perspective, and I am sorry that you have chosen to be consumed by it. It is best to let go and move on. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #676767; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 21.328125px;"> Finally, for a grudge I witnessed but didn't involve me directly. A young lady contacted me last week, in search of her biological father. I guess I am on the friends list of the woman he ran away with, and basically abandoned his little girl and her Mom at birth, leaving them to struggle in a shelter. Keeping in mind my view on grudges, I don't know how to relate to this level of resentment this young woman has, and I definitely sympathize with her. Being a parent, I could never imagine leaving my child even for a day, let alone 23 years. Is this woman well-served to hold a grudge? Is that something you could ever heal from? I don't have these answers, and all I can do is pray that she finds peace, and someday reaches the point of closure. By the sounds of it, she has done very well for herself, and now has the family she was deprived of early on. To me, those are prayers answered. To her Dad who is still a mystery, I hope one day you can meet her, and provide the answers she seeks. Everyone has a right to live with happiness. </span></span></div>
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Hooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5079295421375425145.post-49215815881554242752013-02-19T20:59:00.003-08:002013-02-19T21:00:24.405-08:00The mind is a wonderful thing<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hglVqACd1C8">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hglVqACd1C8</a><br />
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Good evening friends! I thought I'd take a few minutes to update my state of mind these days. I'm currently settling in at my new apartment, which I moved into a couple of weeks ago. It's an interesting transition to say the least; the first few days put me in a pretty low place, but quickly a change is happening. On some level it feels quite right, and I am quickly finding motivation to broaden my perspectives and find my way. Having said that, there are also some new challenges before me, not the least of which is the confidence to interact with people in various roles in my life. It's a little unsettling to be expected to have a semi-clear vision on what my intentions and goals are, as these are things I am still trying to define, all while on a shaky foundation of self-confidence.<br />
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I'm going to make several references in this post, some from Tool's "sober", and some from The exorcist III, Legion. They simply resonate with some of the strange visuals that enter my mind, so if they seem a little odd, don't give it much thought.<br />
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">There's a shadow just behind me</span><br style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Shrouding every step I take</span><br style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Making every promise empty</span><br style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Pointing every finger at me</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: 12px;"> One of the more common dynamics I notice is the uncertainty I experience whenever I try to articulate an emotion, decision, or thought to the people I know. Make no mistake; I am absolutely blessed to have such wonderful people around me, and this nervousness is not something they are perpetuating. I suppose this is a paranoia not unlike what some drug users go through! I have an insatiable appetite to want to improve myself, and achieve a confidence that tells me I am a worthy friend, partner, etc,. This is a considerable distance from where I would rate myself as of right now. Inside, I have no shortage of love for people in a number of ways, but I am constantly feeling like anyone would be crazy to want to be near me. I remember likening a failed marriage to being the elephant in the room; you pretty much are defined by that status, and nobody really wants to be too close to it. In reality, many people I know have done incredible things to make sure I was ok, but this is an emotion I went through just the same. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: 12px;"><i>The human brain, three pounds of tissue, held more than a hundred billion brain cells and five hundred trillion synaptic connections. It dreamed and wrote music and Einstein's equations, it created the language and the geometry and the engines that probed the stars, and it cradled a mother asleep through a storm while it woke her at the faintest cry from her child. A computer that could handle all of its functions would cover the surface of the earth. </i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: 12px;"> I suspect that an emotional roller coaster should be of no surprise now that I am living the reality of starting a new life. I am thankful to be past the emotional healing stage of a marriage ending, but it is this overall life change that occupies my mind now. It's both wonderful and scary to consider the plethora of thoughts that cross my mind every day. It's also very confusing; how can I possibly be paranoid and worried, with such great people in my midst? I have seen kindness that I never could have visualized before, and a spiritual leadership that has left me completely humbled. I am not worthy of this, but I am fighting so hard to change that. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><i><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">I am just a worthless liar</span><br style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">I am just an imbecile</span><br style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">I will only complicate you</span><br style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Trust in me and fall as well</span><br style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">I will find a center in you</span><br style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">I will chew it up and leave</span><br style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">I will work to elevate you</span><br style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 12px;">Just enough to bring you down</span></i></span><br />
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I referred to this passage simply to acknowledge a by-product of big events in a persons life. To feel scarred, to feel the weight of responsibility whether perceived or real, you can become very detached from others. This passage can be taken two ways; do I consider myself poison to everyone else, not worthy of their consideration? Or is it equally possible that this describes my confidence, not to be trusted or relied on, for fear of falling down again? This is not something I am ready to answer. As I search tirelessly to reveal and understand my spirituality, I must stay true to the calling I have been feeling. On what I hope to be the most enlightening part of my journey, I am planning on keeping myself safe, and above all else, focused on the task at hand. I have to trust my intuition, and continue to pursue the life I feel I am meant to live. I feel I'm getting close, and I pray that I can find the strength to get to that place. I just wish I hadn't strayed so far to begin with. I genuinely feel like I am paying for a life I've lived so far, and that's ok with me. It's time to make it right.Hooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5079295421375425145.post-8565647977028895362013-01-31T19:48:00.001-08:002013-01-31T19:48:46.073-08:00Ready to start<br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwdUVjyxWrM">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwdUVjyxWrM</a><br />
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<i><u><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">If the businessmen drink my blood</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Like the kids at art school said they would</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">The I guess I'll just begin again.</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">You say, can we still be friends?</span><br /><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">All the kids have always known</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">That the emperor wears no clothes</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">But they bow down to him anyway</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">'cause it's better then being alone.</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">If I was scared, I would,</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">and if I was bored, you know I would,</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">And if I was yours, but I'm not.</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Now you're knocking at my door</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Saying: "Please come out with us tonight"</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">But I would rather be alone,</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">then pretend I feel alright.</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">If the businessmen drink my blood</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Like the kids at art school said they would</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">The I guess I'll just begin again.</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">You say, can we still be friends?</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><br /><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">If I was scared, I would,</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">And if I was pure, you know I would,</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">And if I was yours, but I'm not.</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Now I'm ready to start.</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Now I'm ready to start,</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">I would rather be wrong than</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Live in the shadows of your song.</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">My mind is open wide and</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Now I'm ready to start.</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">My mind is open wide</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">And now I'm ready to start.</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">You're not sure</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">You opened the door</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">and step out into the dark.</span></u></i><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><i><u>Now I'm ready.</u></i></span><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"> So. The recent update in my life is that I finally got a place of my own to call home. It took quite a while, but as hard as it is to take that step, I felt like it was overdue. A lot of things I noticed during the process of trying to have a cordial relationship post-marriage, is that it brings out a lot of specific characteristics with people in your life. As if a divorce wasn't enough to have to consider, I will start with the negative experiences I've had, and finish with the wonderful ones, as they are what will propel me onward and upward in this life. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"> I've been struggling a lot in the past trying to process the disappointment I've had with some so-called friends in my area. I can expect to a degree that people will take sides in a divorce setting, but it is quite clear that ignorance and selfishness are the real truth with these folks, and there is absolutely no positive outcome for anyone involved. I've been very fortunate; my ex and I are making a considerable effort to move forward in a positive and respectful way, but the obstacles are a mere few people that I really can't comprehend. I generally don't care what they think of me specifically, but their childish, pathetic attempts to make themselves heard have a real impact on many innocent people, not the least of which is my son. I'll remain vague with this post in an effort not to defame or upset anyone specifically, but a mention is in order here. To those of you who gleefully want to celebrate my departure, and who also ridicule my ex, question our loyal friends who have reached unfathomable heights to help BOTH of us and our son, consider these facts: My son, is absolutely broken hearted, and cries regularly because we cannot live together anymore. You want to celebrate that? Our friends, who you have shunned for reasons I'm sure only a hollow person could understand, have played a vital role in support for not only my family, but countless others, and do so with a sincerity and love that leaves me speechless. Of this, you are aware, as you too have been blessed by their generosity and love too. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"> My immediate reaction was to be angry, but I cannot put my emotions in that category. I feel genuine sorrow and sadness for you. I hope and pray that at some point in your lives, you take a little time to consider the scope of your actions, and the people they harm. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">Finally, enough of those unhappy thoughts! In the process of my move, there was a number of things going on, and one big event that completely changed my perspective on things. You see, through this divorce I discovered that my own self-confidence was completely shattered. I hadn't fully realized it, or understood it before, but based on my own characteristics and beliefs, I became convinced that I was very much disposable, and had little or nothing to offer anyone anymore. I felt like a failure, and couldn't imagine where I would go from here. It can get pretty tough when you find yourself crying without provocation, not wanting to get up in the morning, paranoid that nobody likes you, etc. It's a dark hole to be in, and climbing out is something you'll likely need help with. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"> So, the life changing event. In more recent times, I've had a good friend who has really reached out to me, and been a source of inspiration in all aspects of my life. In fact, I can recall shortly after my separation, being invited to a wonderful birthday and family gathering at his home. That helped me immensely, and it's not something I will forget. Spiritually, he has been a significant person and a considerable mentor, and I think only now am I beginning to understand the magnitude of how lucky I am. You see, I got a text one day, offering to assist me with the cleaning and preparing of my new apartment (yes, it was really gross). What made this exceptional, is that most of the people coming were people I had never met. The generosity of my friend, the wonderful housewarming gifts, the hard work of these new people in my life, and especially the birthday cake (!) just blew me away. I don't ever like to ask for help, despite needing it, and to have people reach out to me just took me to a place I never new existed. I love you guys.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"> I've now been able to reflect with a lot more clarity, and have realized a few things. I am ridiculously lucky; I have so many fantastic people in my life, and I don't think I'll ever live long enough to repay all the love that's been shown to me. I also realize that I do have worth, and I am not disposable. In no way am I trying to reflect poorly on my marriage, but I feel now like I am healing, and I need to change direction. It will take time, but that I have. As far as the reference to the song at the beginning of this post, I guess I just connected in my own little way. It's time to make my own way, break clean, and start again. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span>Hooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5079295421375425145.post-13001272843051639712012-12-24T10:55:00.000-08:002012-12-24T10:56:06.543-08:00Unbelievable poemThis was sent to me recently. Please enjoy this link; I've been enjoying it over and over.<br />
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcoMiGiDRjg<br />
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcoMiGiDRjg">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcoMiGiDRjg</a><br />
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<br />Hooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5079295421375425145.post-31753020330595181092012-12-02T04:33:00.001-08:002012-12-02T04:33:30.695-08:00Fake Plastic Treeshttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIPgMkFDwng<br />
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIPgMkFDwng">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIPgMkFDwng</a><br />
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Nothing like a great Radiohead song to inspire and motivate. This song found me as I was thinking about certain dynamics amongst people, and how they seem to be culminating on this journey I'm on. I'm confident that these dynamics have always been there, but I suspect that I am far more aware of them these days. Recently, it was noted from someone who had not seen me since this big change began in my life, that I appeared to be at peace, and generally happier. I agree, and I think that this peace is exactly what is opening my eyes to so many different things.<br />
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Now, this new found perspective has its disadvantages too. I am quite a bit more guarded, and vulnerable to the shady side of life. I try my best not to be a cynic, and my biggest struggle is to not judge others, despite how I interpret their actions. I certainly have my share of faults, and I'm probably my own biggest critic about how I should live my life, treat other people, etc. What I am discovering, is that having so much consideration can very much leave a person vulnerable to those who who lack that same consideration. I don't mean to say that they are inherently evil and will seek you out, but I think that if they don't sense an adversary, they get very careless about what they throw your way.<br />
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Ok, enough ambiguity! I guess what has triggered my little diatribe on here, is that in the past few weeks, I have observed what I view as selfishness thrown at me from various sources at an alarming rate. I don't feel as though I am in the greatest position to process that right now, so it's making me a little grumpy, lol. I mean, anyone can have this sort of thing as a course of regular life, I just noticed that I got a extra helping of it lately. Not all of these scenarios affect me directly; some are beating up people close to me as well. I have quite a number of examples that for the sake of this writing, I will keep very generalized.<br />
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1. Intention. Ever notice how many people have a killer poker face? These are the people that come under false pretenses, act as a friend, then BAM! Now you get to find out what they were really after; a romantic relationship, perhaps a financial opportunity, an escape from something in their own life, whatever. Not a nice thing to experience; it really puts a dent in a persons ability to trust anyone.<br />
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2. Respect. I could probably go on for days about this. It's a broad, sweeping term, but it needs to be said. Respect is something that often gets thrown right under the proverbial bus, simply due to selfishness. I recently observed at my sons school, that a modern tactic is to have a child control behaviour by viewing their actions as a measure of respect to themselves, their teachers, peers, etc. Thank god for that! I suspect some adults should spend a little time back at school; respect used to be, and should continue to be a valid reason to treat others well.<br />
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3. Honesty. People, honesty really is the way forward. One of the most noticeable things that is bringing me happiness, is the ability to put my cards on the table. It's actually very liberating to be forthcoming, and it really is the only way.<br />
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4. Consideration. I guess what triggered my thoughts on this, is it's total absence in a lot of areas. It's kind of a culmination of the list above, and it's something I strive to use as a guiding tool in my life. You don't need a reason to be nice to people, to be honest, to try and be good. It's just considerate! In recent weeks, I very much feel like I've suffered the effects of others inconsiderate behavior, and let me tell you this: It really sucks! For people that can't be bothered to think about the result of their actions, I can tell you that the stress, pain, and scars that it can leave are not to be taken lightly. It's a cancerous trait, and yet is so easily remedied.<br />
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So, ranting almost over! I guess I'm a little hyper-sensitive just by the sheer volume of crap I've noticed lately. It's nothing new, and I'm positive it will level off over time. The real reason that it prompted me to write, is that it genuinely hurts to see, or be a part of these short-comings. In the shell of me that remains of my former self, I am desperately trying to become what I crave from others, and lead a truly happy life. I have no room in my heart anymore for spite, judgement, and scorn for others. It's a real test, but I am pushing with all my strength to live well, and with love. The big challenge, and the connection to the song that prompted the post, is that I find most people not reaching deep from within, and are spiritually lazy. I am not trying to be critical, but it really does seem that a lot of people are plastic.<br />
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<br />Hooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5079295421375425145.post-13089468299249718622012-10-22T19:05:00.000-07:002012-10-22T19:05:01.972-07:00Loving the audienceWow, just checking the stats on here, and I wanted to acknowledge the power of the web! Quite a few views from Russia, Germany, Australia India, USA, etc. Just want to thank those of you who visited, and invite you to drop me a line sometime! Kindred spirit, or casual viewer, I'd love to hear from youHooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5079295421375425145.post-71720942583606237632012-10-22T18:57:00.004-07:002012-10-22T18:57:50.572-07:00All is not lost<br />
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LATERALUS (from the band, TOOL)<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="p1lyrics" style="background: black;">
<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Courier; font-size: 9.0pt;">Black then white are all I see in my
infancy.<br />
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.<br />
lets me see.<br />
As below, so above and beyond, I imagine<br />
drawn beyond the lines of reason.<br />
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p1lyrics" style="background-color: black; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">
<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Courier; font-size: 9.0pt;">Over
thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.<br />
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must<br />
Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Ah yes, further
struggles are in the air. So, I’m finding a noticeable increase in a stress
that I have subconsciously had for a lifetime. As far back as I can recall,
death has been a real tough thing for me to consider. I remember being
extremely young, and being plagued with a fear of dying, to the point of crying
myself to sleep every night for weeks. At the time, I had no way of describing
the fear, but essentially I was just horrified that whenever it visited me, I
was afraid of what was on the other side. I suppose everyone has had such a
fear at some point if you were to ask them directly, but I just found it
particularly scary. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Fast forward to teen
life; I generally started to romanticize death somewhat. I seemed to focus on
the effect it had on someone’s survivors; was everyone shattered by the loss,
ruefully acknowledging their death, or glad to see them go? I didn’t know it at
the time, but I think this is when my true inner struggle began. Like many
teens, I often dramatically thought about suicide; you know, girl dumps boy,
boy snaps and gets the last word, shows her what she’s done, all that garbage. I started to dwell on the sheer sadness of it
all, and wanted to know if consciousness and life were really all that
wonderful. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="p1lyrics" style="background: black;">
<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Courier; font-size: 9.0pt;">Feed my will to feel this moment urging me
to cross the line.<br />
Reaching out to embrace the random.<br />
Reaching out to embrace whatever may come.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p1lyrics" style="background-color: black; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">
<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Courier; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
embrace my desire to<br />
feel the rhythm, to feel connected<br />
enough to step aside and weep like a widow<br />
to feel inspired, to fathom the power,<br />
to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain,<br />
to swing on the spiral<br />
of our divinity and still be a human.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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So, as of late I’ve had more of a clear view of one of my
own characteristics. It came to me in an odd way; in fact it was the result of
a doctors visit. I had gone in to complain of neck and shoulder pain; not the
sore muscle kind, but a deep, throbbing ache that has been going non-stop for
months. Without batting an eye, my doctor prescribed an anti-depressant.
What?!?! She said that it was a very common symptom of depression, and when I
protested, saying I’d rather deal with the cause of my stress rather than
medicate it, she was quick to point out that it is more of a chemical imbalance
than anything. Really. I don’t intend to question a trained professional, but
it sure gave me a lot to think about. You see, I’ve often been of the thought
that I had something wrong with me. I’ve had this weird relationship with
death, dying, sadness, that doesn’t fit my rational side at all. I think very
clearly in my day to day life, and I have an exceptional appreciation for the
people I’ve known for years, and the ones that are more recent. I don’t like my
friends, I love them. The thing I don’t get, is that I have been blessed with
exceptional people in my life, but there are times where I can feel completely
alone in a room full of people I care about. Weird, eh? On some level, I feel
like I’ve done my part to contribute and be a part of the lives of the people I
care about, and that my “time” to do that, is almost done, and I should step
aside to make room for others. I have
this strange curse of consciousness, rational thought, clarity, sincerity, and
it is all at odds with my emotions. I feel like my neck pain is symbolic not of
depression, but the fatigue of carrying this sadness for so long. At times, I
feel like its almost quitting time, punch the clock and go home. I’m quite a
bit less afraid of the other side now, and I guess I’m over analyzing the
importance of what’s out there. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="p1lyrics" style="background: black;">
<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Courier; font-size: 9.0pt;">With my feet upon the ground I lose myself<br />
between the sounds and open wide to suck it in,<br />
I feel it move across my skin.<br />
I'm reaching up and reaching out,<br />
I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.<br />
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.<br />
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="p1lyrics" style="background-color: black; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">
<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: Courier; font-size: 9.0pt;">Spiral
out. Keep going, going...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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I suppose this is why
I have such a strange relationship with music. I absolutely get lost in
powerful songs, the more tragic the better. I relish the time when I get let my
soul crash down, feel the pain, and stimulate my imagination of the
unknown. I guess I’m really trying to
get to a place where all I have left in this world is my love, and connection
with all these wonderful people I have been blessed with. I have an obsession with discarding the
negatives of my life, any conflicts, soul-sucking distractions, all of it. I
want to turn this pain into strength, and contribute in a way that has been
shown to me. All it seems I can do right now, is to be generous in a
materialistic way, but I want to give what is really important. I expect that
if I fail at that, I can experience first-hand what it feels like to be
forgotten, and the need to step aside to make room for others. While writing this, I think it has revealed
the truth of the loneliness I feel. I need to learn to give what others have
given me. Nobody wants the superficial things I can give; they want to connect
the same way I do. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Imagine that, I may have learned something new today. <o:p></o:p></div>
Hooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5079295421375425145.post-30206717840122716632012-07-28T21:47:00.001-07:002012-07-28T21:47:47.893-07:00Where soul meets body<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uizQVriWp8M">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uizQVriWp8M</a>
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<i><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">"I want to live where soul meets body</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">And let the sun wrap its arms around me and</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">Bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing </span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">And feel</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">Feel what its like to be new</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">Cause in my head there's a Greyhound station</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">So they may have a chance of finding a place where they're</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">Far more suited than here"</span></i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<i><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /></i><span style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">Meeting new people is quite an experience if you give it lots of thought. Especially if you're single, lol. Over the past year, I have gotten to know several people new in my life, and it never ceases to amaze me the different characteristics they can have. What I find the most fascinating however, is how they fit into my life, and how much their personality causes me to reflect and understand myself better. I consider myself to be a pretty complicated guy. I've been known to have very clear views and opinions, however in my thoughts I can't even sleep sometimes due to the process I go through trying to get the full perspective on what I've learned. I'm constantly deep in thought, and trying my best to "get" other people. In some instances, it can be very flattering when someone else takes an interest in you, but it can also be bittersweet when through that journey, you simply reveal more differences than what this new friend/relationship can sustain. For me, this begs the question of initial attraction. What is it that compels us to seek out more information about one person over another? I mean, I've met some people that categorically speaking I would not have much in common with, but engaged quite willingly in getting to know all the facts. The crappy part, is going through all the motions just to arrive at the conclusion that there is no spark. I suppose that is precisely what makes the "good connections" so special and fulfilling when they happen. </span></span></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">"I cannot guess what you'll discover</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">We turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">But I know our filthy hands can wash one another's</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">And not one speck will remain</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">I do believe its true </span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">That there are roads left in both of our shoes</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">But if the silence takes you</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">Then I hope it takes me too"</span></i><br />
<br />
<span style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">And about those good connections, lol. Well, I must be very fortunate; I have been lucky enough to have felt that over the course of my life. There is nothing quite like having a conversation with someone new, and feeling totally at ease, and like they fully understand everything you say. At the risk of sounding like an egomaniac, I generally find people speaking in very superficial tongues, to the point that it's hard to care what they have to say. Don't get me wrong; there is always a time and place for idle banter without serious overtones. I just know that when the moments are there to express, communicate, and share important thoughts, there are few that "get it". </span></span></span><span style="text-align: left;"><br /></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">"So brown eyes I'll hold you near</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">Cause you're the only song I want to hear</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">Where soul meets body"</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">I guess this post is meant to acknowledge and thank those of you who "get" me. You know who you are, and I cannot even begin to express how much I appreciate it.<br /></span><br />
<span style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span></span>Hooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5079295421375425145.post-16917830841772314682012-07-28T20:04:00.001-07:002012-07-28T20:56:27.628-07:00My Cave<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KkUeRPjc-Y">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KkUeRPjc-Y</a>
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Wow, what a difference a few weeks can make. It's been a whirlwind, and I will offer this caveat before writing this post: I am not writing to specifically identify or quantify any particular individuals. This post, and the ones that will be sure to follow are meant to describe my interpretation of the lessons learned through my travels. I don't claim to know everything; these are just a few perspectives that I'd like to share. I like to have music as my inspiration, so I will be making references to songs that stand out to me. You've been warned!<br />
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<b><i><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">"It's empty in the valley of your heart</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">The sun, it rises slowly as you walk</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">Away from all the fears</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">And all the faults you've left behind</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">The harvest left no food for you to eat</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">But I have seen the same</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">I know the shame in your defeat"</span></i></b><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;"><br /></span><br />
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So, I suppose I should start with baggage. It's something everyone has to one degree or another, and this is the year I was compelled to shed some of it. Going back to my childhood, there are some significant events that I now realize I had buried, forgotten, and moved on from. Ignorance is bliss, right? The only problem I discovered, is that somewhere, sometime, you'll get a visit from these memories. In my case, these events were horrific. After years of forgetting, I had a rude awakening this summer. Several developments collided with the stars, and BOOM!, all of a sudden I had a clear memory of being seven years old again. I remembered the emotions from then too, which scare me right down to my soul. You see, it is not necessary to focus on the events themselves, but to acknowledge the emotions that consumed me during my childhood. From around the age of 7 to approx 17, I lived with a fear that I can't even begin to describe. I mean, I was afraid of everything; teachers, bullies, death, you name it. This wasn't a healthy fear, this was paralyzing in many cases. I can say with total conviction, that my most consistent emotion during childhood was feeling like I was dying.<br />
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<i><b><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">"But I will hold on hope</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">And I won't let you choke</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">On the noose around your neck</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">And I'll find strength in pain</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">And I will change my ways</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">I'll know my name as it's called again"</span></b></i><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">Moving along, as I got into my later teens, I grew in height, became physically shocking to look at (orange hair, earrings, etc), and basically assumed a persona that helped helped hide the total absence of self-confidence that I struggled with. It's funny; I continued to express such a persona in many forms right up until 40 years of age. On the outside, anyone would assume that I am brash, confident, and "have my shit together". I wish I believed that ego persona myself, but it wouldn't really explain why this visit from a dark past left me visibly shaking, crying, and hiding from people. Pretty tough to not only realize that you're not so tough, but to think that you're a fraud to all those people who believe in you. </span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">"<b>Because I have other things to fill my time</b></span><b><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">You take what is yours and I'll take mine</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">Now let me at the truth</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">Which will refresh my broken mind</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">So tie me to a post and block my ears</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">I can see widows and orphans through my tears</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">I know my call despite my faults</span><br style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;" /><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;">And despite my growing fears"</span></b></i><span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;"><br /></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">So, I guess my reason for this post is this: I made some changes in my life. Big ones. There unfortunately are some people that I can no longer have in my life. That is NOT an easy decision, what one that needed to be made. I can no longer bear that cross. The switch that clicked in my head is not vague at all; I have a son. He needs his Dad to be complete, and there is no way in Hell I will allow him to suffer and have the baggage that I had. I know that you cannot protect your children from everything, but I can definitely give him a happy childhood for him to look back on one day. My aforementioned ego and persona? Whatever I have made people believe, whatever I fooled myself into being, it no longer matters. I am a Dad. That's the only person I want to be. I am the luckiest guy alive; my son is healthy, happy, and is loved. That's a name and a persona I can live up to</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: DroidSansRegular, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: left;"><br /></span>Hooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5079295421375425145.post-67405545897102592592012-06-22T22:21:00.000-07:002014-01-14T01:59:22.677-08:00Naveed<span style="color: red;"> <b>Naveed</b><span style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 16px;">, is a Persian name meaning "bearer of good news" or "best wishes". </span></span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 16px;">So, it's been a while since I've posted, and I suppose that this blog has evolved into more of a random thought post for me instead of my vehicular chronicles. The title of this post occurred to me originally from the band "Our Lady Peace", who enlisted this name as their title track on their first album. It is definitely not a new release, and I suppose I chose to reference it not only for it's meaning in general, but it's relevance to me after so many years of listening to it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: red; line-height: 16px;"> As I've mentioned before, I now find myself a little over a year of being officially separated. There has been quite a number of emotions, dynamics, and discoveries during this process, not the least of which is the fact that I have grown to be quite a bit more philosophical about the little intricacies we see every day. Every once in a while, the pondering evolves into a lesson, and it subtly shapes my character as I go forward in life. Who ever said "school is never out" couldn't be more right. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: red; line-height: 16px;"> So, in reference to this particular song bearing the title of this post; it made me stop and think of a number of scenarios that are close to me. The song, in my own personal translation of it, metaphorically describes the best intentions that could be projected to others, but in spite of this, some circumstances have people either being afraid of improving their particular state, or choosing to let the chips fall and the inevitable result be realized. The song depicts an extreme conclusion, but speaks to the realization that despite your best intentions, some people just might not want, or be able to receive your love. To whit: "would Naveed let a young man die" Kind of like leading a horse to water, but not being able to make him drink. Don't get me wrong; I have no divine insight into this, but it is how I interpret it. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: red; line-height: 16px;"> What the Hell does all this mean? Lol, I guess it helps me understand how I've processed my own troubles, and why people close to me might process theirs differently. In my case, I have had no shortage of kindness shown to me, and that gave me the strength to face the pain head on, heal, and find the path forward. It has also helped me to be supportive of others that would not approach their difficulties the same way; and to remain caring, understanding and patient for them, regardless of how they choose to carry on. On some level, we must understand that we can't all save the world, and let people find their own path. It's not up to us as individuals to change the course of the world, but to be versatile and roll with things as they come, and above all else remain true to our values. We must understand that we cannot be all things to all people, and that's just a fact of life. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: red; line-height: 16px;"> Anyway, this might read as nonsense to some, but it's my blog, and I'll write what I want to :) To any readers, I hope that the day finds you well. </span></span>Hooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5079295421375425145.post-10423064462104675192011-11-29T18:44:00.001-08:002011-11-29T18:44:36.268-08:00A couple of tunes<a href="http://www.myspace.com/575861779">http://www.myspace.com/575861779</a>Hooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5079295421375425145.post-28223254926754894072011-10-25T20:01:00.000-07:002011-10-31T06:43:39.018-07:00My feeble attempt at lyricsSo, one of my recent adventures is doing some song writing. Feeling a little creative; I came out with this a few months ago. My band has it a full song version now; hopefully it gets some legs. I'm not a pro, but so what. I named it "siren call"; influenced by the Greek Mythology of Sirens, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">"portrayed as <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Femme_fatale" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; background-image: none; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #0645ad; text-decoration: none;" title="Femme fatale">seductresses</a> who lured nearby sailors with their enchanting music and voices to shipwreck on the rocky coast of their island. "</span><br />
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<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">SIREN CALL<o:p></o:p></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">LYRICS: MIKE HOOPER SUMMER 2011<o:p></o:p></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;">We once traveled this road together</span></span><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
<span class="apple-style-span">Our team, an island in the sea</span><br />
<span class="apple-style-span">Back to back, we faced the world</span><br />
<span class="apple-style-span">But we stopped facing each other</span><br />
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<span class="apple-style-span">I’d give it all away</span><br />
<span class="apple-style-span">For you to see me again</span><br />
<span class="apple-style-span">cause the man that stands before you now</span><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
<span class="apple-style-span">Hollow, from what he was then</span><br />
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<span class="apple-style-span">Chorus:</span><br />
<span class="apple-style-span">can you hear the siren calling</span><br />
<span class="apple-style-span">can you hear the siren calling</span><br />
<span class="apple-style-span">It was the answer that you gave</span><br />
<span class="apple-style-span">a life i couldn't save</span><br />
<span class="apple-style-span">A life full of promise</span><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
<span class="apple-style-span">but caught in your wake</span><br />
<span class="apple-style-span">and i know this is fake</span><br />
<span class="apple-style-span">a life full of promise</span><br />
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<span class="apple-style-span">It’s time for me to go away</span><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
<span class="apple-style-span">To reap what I sow from this sad tale</span><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
<span class="apple-style-span">My best wasn’t enough to keep you here</span><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />
<span class="apple-style-span">Fade to black, ashamed, fade away</span></span><o:p></o:p></div>Hooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5079295421375425145.post-40162820488865777342011-10-15T20:58:00.000-07:002011-10-15T20:58:08.990-07:00Random thoughtsSo this is not a motorcycle post; more of some of the thoughts that occupy my mind these days. Its been 6 or so months since my separation, and it's been nothing short of an emotional roller coaster since that time. At some point, I would say it's turned into quite a blur. I find that these days my current state is quite unusual, at least to me.<br />
I'm normally quite busy, focused, and assertive with the day to day experience of life. Now, on one hand, I'm finding that my role as a father is sharpened and clear, and moving in a very positive direction. My son had a very rough patch for a while, but thank God he is such a bright and resilient little dude, and has shown such a tireless promise of happiness and growth that leaves me in awe of what a miracle he truly is. He has given me a gift I cannot begin to describe, and it really brings tears to my eyes when I consider the gravity of what being his Daddy really means.<br />
My own internal struggle however, is that in direct contrast to the connection I feel with him, everything else is somewhat surreal. I guess in some strange way I'm detached from all else that was once normal to me, but there is some degree of comfort with that. I have absolutely no clue what the future holds, but I do know that I need to evolve somehow. I feel that in large part I became my job, my bills, my possessions, etc. How strange it is to want to be rid of everything I thought gave me comfort. The transition is as vague as ever right now, but what has been absolutely destroying me is not knowing the depth of my own strength to make the right decisions as I go forward. I know that I crave some serious change, but have not yet found my path. Hell of a time to need to "find myself" at almost 40 years old, lol. I guess my fear is the fact I know exactly who I am. I just haven't found my place in the world, and that is tearing me apart.<br />
For now, it's all about my son. Beyond all the other stuff, I absolutely cherish every moment I have with him. Watching him grow and learn, seeing him smile, being a big part of his life truly puts perspective on everything else. Perhaps I can find the right path after all.Hooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5079295421375425145.post-10627501050234546412011-10-14T18:37:00.000-07:002011-10-14T18:37:49.426-07:00Darin Martin Music: A Conversation<a href="http://darinmartinmusic.blogspot.com/2011/10/conversation.html?spref=bl">Darin Martin Music: A Conversation</a>: This morning I had a few friends respond to my blog post which is on my website @darinmartinmusic.com and she suggested that it would be go...Hooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5079295421375425145.post-69900644962118446492011-06-22T18:45:00.000-07:002011-06-22T18:45:58.973-07:00Just a maintenance updateI've been fiddling a bit with my KLR, and I thought it would be good to log some maintenance. After the 685 installation, I have now ridden about 3200 kms into the break-in. I'm almost ready for synthetic oil, and the engine is performing very well. I managed to squeeze 16000 kms out of the rear michelin anakee, and the stock dunlop front(!?!), - I had these tires on my old KLR. Now, at 15357 on the odometer, I have installed Avon "gripsters, and flushed the brake fluid. I'm anxious to see the overall performance of these tires; not sure they'll last like the michelin, but they were very cheap (yay) and they seem well suited to my style of riding.Hooperhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11143205421965698651noreply@blogger.com0