Easter

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40_QRjjAvTA


 This past weekend was Easter, and it was the first one I didn't spend with any of my family. Long story there, but I was able to attend some wonderful services both on Friday and Monday, and I had a family very close to me come and have dinner at my apartment on the Friday night.

 When my friends came for dinner, it was the parents and their three daughters (sweetest kids ever, BTW) . I had myself mentally prepared for a somewhat depressing weekend, what with it being a significant occasion that I was not able to spend with my son, first one living alone, etc. When my friends came, I was presented with the world's coolest chocolate bunny, and a card that they all filled out. I was absolutely blown away, and struggled to maintain my composure when I read the kindest words in that card. It really drove the point home to me, about how lucky I really am, and just how generous my friends can be. They have many relatives and friends, and a very active life, and yet they made the time to share the holiday with me.

 Another first for me this weekend was attending a church service for the Easter weekend. Now, I'm in no position to preach to anyone, but I have been learning a lot at these services. People, relationships, thoughts, are things that have been a very helpful part of me rebuilding my life. During the service I attended on the Sunday, there was an excerpt from the teaching that really put some perspective on the dynamics I'm going  through. Part of the teaching pointed to the fact that as people, we often want or expect wrath or vengeance to be visited on others who may have wronged us, or at least as we define it. In the same breath, we wish to only receive love, forgiveness and understanding. That's easy enough to process, but the challenge happens when we may become the target of another's wrath, or when we need to give love and understanding to someone else. In addition, is it enough to just be available to people in need, and to not wish wrath on them? For me, I have been ridiculously stubborn in my life, and I really don't like to ask for help.With regards to my friends, had they not gone the extra mile and demonstrate their kindness, would I have asked for it? I'm certain that most people I know would help if asked, and that has a degree of comfort in it. To answer the question though, I likely would not have asked. The fact is though, I do need their help and kindness, and is it ever amazing to have them reach out to me, as they do with so many people in their lives. If I've learned something here, it's that it really is important to reach out to people, and not necessarily wait until the request is dropped in your lap. For me, the happiness it brought me this weekend, and on many other occasions with this wonderful family, just can't be described. It motivates me to want to be a better person, and at the same time I'm overcome with gratitude for knowing them. I sure don't feel like I deserve that much kindness, but I am determined to become worthy of that consideration by trying to do the same for others. I suppose that's why I referenced the song in the link; I do feel like I am being lifted from a wreckage. And to the family I have been writing about, I will forever be in your debt. I love you guys

The grudge

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTLN_MozuPw

Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.
Desperate to control all and everything.
Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.
Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Terrified of being wrong. Ultimatum prison cell.

Saturn ascends, choose one or ten. Hang on or be humbled again.

   Interesting. I've recently had the unique opportunity to reflect on both my own ability to hold a grudge (or not, depends on your perspective) and also to be the object of someone else's grudge. I am writing about this more to capture the feeling I have right now, not necessarily to reflect on my overall position on this sort of thing. This is more of a reaction for me. 

Although rarely, I do sometimes think about how  I can process the more significant wrong-doings I've been put through in years past. I try not to give them a lot of energy, as they would continue to hurt me, and it would be impossible to reclaim happiness if I dwell on it. It is important however, to learn to protect yourself from further pain, and set a safe boundary in which you let people operate in your life. In addition, I try to keep a safe distance from the specific people who directly hurt me. I wouldn't call this holding a grudge, but I don't want to remain "open for business" to those who cause me pain. It is a fine line, but I would like to think that I have the confidence and strength to be both wary, and yet open to the great people in my world. I can say with confidence that despite the severity of things done to me, I have no appetite for retribution. I simply would ask that they move on; there is no battle to be had here. Life is far to short to dwell on conflict. To be on either side of a conflict inevitably turns cancerous. Nobody ever wins, and all that remains is sadness. I do believe that right or wrong, we must accept that we do not all share the same perspective. It can be hard, but accepting our differences and intricacies is the only way forward.  

Wear the grudge like a crown. Desperate to control.
Unable to forgive. And sinking deeper.

Defining, confining, sinking deeper. Controlling, defining, and we're sinking deeper.

Saturn comes back around to show you everything
Let's you choose what you will not see and then
Drags you down like a stone or lifts you up again
Spits you out like a child, light and innocent.

Saturn comes back around. Lifts you up like a child or
Drags you down like a stone to 
Consume you till you choose to let this go. 
Choose to let this go.

Give away the stone. Let the oceans take and transmutate this cold and fated 
anchor.
Give away the stone. Let the waters kiss and transmutate these leaden grudges 
into gold.

  And now, for the other side of the coin. In a matter of a few days, I have witnessed resentment towards others, resentment towards me, and it stirred a number of emotions. I can't preach to people, and tell them how they should process things, but perhaps I can offer this: Being someone who is the subject of a grudge, there is not always a way available to rectify it when you are met with hostility. For me specifically, I have been confronted no less than twice in one day, by two different people, on two very different issues. The conflict I have, is that in both cases, I cannot change things from years ago, and in the other case, I cannot change or predict the future. In both of my scenarios, at the core of it all, it is as simple as having a different perspective. I don't have any negative feelings towards these people, but it has been made very clear to me that there is hatred in their hearts, and the things said to me were very much full of spite and ill-will. For this, I can only respond in one way: This conflict is not a result of inconsiderate deeds, heartless actions or selfishness. I am truly sorry that your grudge against me sits upon a foundation of perspective, and I am sorry that you have chosen to be consumed by it. It is best to let go and move on. 

 Finally, for a grudge I witnessed but didn't involve me directly. A young lady contacted me last week, in search of her biological father. I guess I am on the friends list of the woman he ran away with, and basically abandoned his little girl and her Mom at birth, leaving them to struggle in a shelter. Keeping in mind my view on grudges, I don't know how to relate to this level of resentment this young woman has, and I definitely sympathize with her. Being a parent, I could never imagine leaving my child even for a day, let alone 23 years. Is this woman well-served to hold a grudge? Is that something you could ever heal from? I don't have these answers, and all I can do is pray that she finds peace, and someday reaches the point of closure. By the sounds of it, she has done very well for herself, and now has the family she was deprived of early on. To me, those are prayers answered. To her Dad who is still a mystery, I hope one day you can meet her, and provide the answers she seeks. Everyone has a right to live with happiness. 

The mind is a wonderful thing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hglVqACd1C8

Good evening friends! I thought I'd take a few minutes to update my state of mind these days. I'm currently settling in at my new apartment, which I moved into a couple of weeks ago. It's an interesting transition to say the least; the first few days put me in a pretty low place, but quickly a change is happening. On some level it feels quite right, and I am quickly finding motivation to broaden my perspectives and find my way. Having said that, there are also some new challenges before me, not the least of which is the confidence to interact with people in various roles in my life. It's a little unsettling to be expected to have a semi-clear vision on what my intentions and goals are, as these are things I am still trying to define, all while on a shaky foundation of self-confidence.

I'm going to make several references in this post, some from Tool's "sober", and some from The exorcist III, Legion. They simply resonate with some of the strange visuals that enter my mind, so if they seem a little odd, don't give it much thought.

There's a shadow just behind me
Shrouding every step I take
Making every promise empty
Pointing every finger at me

 One of the more common dynamics I notice is the uncertainty I experience whenever I try to articulate an emotion, decision, or thought to the people I know. Make no mistake; I am absolutely blessed to have such wonderful people around me, and this nervousness is not something they are perpetuating. I suppose this is a paranoia not unlike what some drug users go through! I have an insatiable appetite to want to improve myself, and achieve a confidence that tells me I am a worthy friend, partner, etc,. This is a considerable distance from where I would rate myself as of right now. Inside, I have no shortage of love for people in a number of ways, but I am constantly feeling like anyone would be crazy to want to be near me. I remember likening a failed marriage to being the elephant in the room; you pretty much are defined by that status, and nobody really wants to be too close to it. In reality, many people I know have done incredible things to make sure I was ok, but this is an emotion I went through just the same. 

The human brain, three pounds of tissue, held more than a hundred billion brain cells and five hundred trillion synaptic connections. It dreamed and wrote music and Einstein's equations, it created the language and the geometry and the engines that probed the stars, and it cradled a mother asleep through a storm while it woke her at the faintest cry from her child. A computer that could handle all of its functions would cover the surface of the earth. 


 I suspect that an emotional roller coaster should be of no surprise now that I am living the reality of starting a new life. I am thankful to be past the emotional healing stage of a marriage ending, but it is this overall life change that occupies my mind now. It's both wonderful and scary to consider the plethora of thoughts that cross my mind every day. It's also very confusing; how can I possibly be paranoid and worried, with such great people in my midst? I have seen kindness that I never could have visualized before, and a spiritual leadership that has left me completely humbled. I am not worthy of this, but I am fighting so hard to change that. 


I am just a worthless liar
I am just an imbecile
I will only complicate you
Trust in me and fall as well

I will find a center in you
I will chew it up and leave
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down

 I referred to this passage simply to acknowledge a by-product of big events in a persons life. To feel scarred, to feel the weight of  responsibility whether perceived or real, you can become very detached from others. This passage can be taken two ways; do I consider myself poison to everyone else, not worthy of their consideration? Or is it equally possible that this describes my confidence, not to be trusted or relied on, for fear of falling down again?  This is not something I am ready to answer. As I search tirelessly to reveal and understand my spirituality, I must stay true to the calling I have been feeling. On what I hope to be the most enlightening part of my journey, I am planning on keeping myself safe, and above all else, focused on the task at hand. I have to trust my intuition, and continue to pursue the life I feel I am meant to live. I feel I'm getting close, and I pray that I can find the strength to get to that place. I just wish I hadn't strayed so far to begin with. I genuinely feel like I am paying for a life I've lived so far, and that's ok with me. It's time to make it right.

Ready to start

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwdUVjyxWrM

If the businessmen drink my blood
Like the kids at art school said they would
The I guess I'll just begin again.
You say, can we still be friends?

All the kids have always known
That the emperor wears no clothes
But they bow down to him anyway
'cause it's better then being alone.

If I was scared, I would,
and if I was bored, you know I would,
And if I was yours, but I'm not.

Now you're knocking at my door
Saying: "Please come out with us tonight"
But I would rather be alone,
then pretend I feel alright.

If the businessmen drink my blood
Like the kids at art school said they would
The I guess I'll just begin again.
You say, can we still be friends?


If I was scared, I would,
And if I was pure, you know I would,
And if I was yours, but I'm not.
Now I'm ready to start.

Now I'm ready to start,
I would rather be wrong than
Live in the shadows of your song.
My mind is open wide and
Now I'm ready to start.
My mind is open wide
And now I'm ready to start.

You're not sure
You opened the door
and step out into the dark.
Now I'm ready.


  So. The recent update in my life is that I finally got a place of my own to call home. It took quite a while, but as hard as it is to take that step, I felt like it was overdue. A lot of things I noticed during the process of trying to have a cordial relationship post-marriage, is that it brings out a lot of specific characteristics with people in your life. As if a divorce wasn't enough to have to consider, I will start with the negative experiences I've had, and finish with the wonderful ones, as they are what will propel me onward and upward in this life. 
  I've been struggling a lot in the past trying to process the disappointment I've had with some so-called friends in my area. I can expect to a degree that people will take sides in a divorce setting, but it is quite clear that ignorance and selfishness are the real truth with these folks, and there is absolutely no positive outcome for anyone involved. I've been very fortunate; my ex and I are making a considerable effort to move forward in a positive and respectful way, but the obstacles are a mere few people that I really can't comprehend. I generally don't care what they think of me specifically, but their childish, pathetic attempts to make themselves heard have a real impact on many innocent people, not the least of which is my son. I'll remain vague with this post in an effort not to defame or upset anyone specifically, but a mention is in order here. To those of you who gleefully want to celebrate my departure, and who also ridicule my ex, question our loyal friends who have reached unfathomable heights to help BOTH of us and our son, consider these facts: My son, is absolutely broken hearted, and cries regularly because we cannot live together anymore. You want to celebrate that? Our friends, who you have shunned for reasons I'm sure only a hollow person could understand, have played a vital role in support for not only my family, but countless others, and do so with a sincerity and love that leaves me speechless. Of this, you are aware, as you too have been blessed by their generosity and love too. 
 My immediate reaction was to be angry, but I cannot put my emotions in that category. I feel genuine sorrow and sadness for you. I hope and pray that at some point in your lives, you take a little time to consider the scope of your actions, and the people they harm. 

Finally, enough of those unhappy thoughts! In the process of my move, there was a number of things going on, and one big event that completely changed my perspective on things. You see, through this divorce I discovered that my own self-confidence was completely shattered. I hadn't fully realized it, or understood it before, but based on my own characteristics and beliefs, I became convinced that I was very much disposable, and had little or nothing to offer anyone anymore. I felt like a failure, and couldn't imagine where I would go from here. It can get pretty tough when you find yourself crying without provocation, not wanting to get up in the morning, paranoid that nobody likes you, etc. It's a dark hole to be in, and climbing out is something you'll likely need help with. 
 So, the life changing event. In more recent times, I've had a good friend who has really reached out to me, and been a source of inspiration in all aspects of my life. In fact, I can recall shortly after my separation, being invited to a wonderful birthday and family gathering at his home. That helped me immensely, and it's not something I will forget. Spiritually, he has been a significant person and a considerable mentor, and I think only now am I beginning to understand the magnitude of how lucky I am. You see, I got a text one day, offering to assist me with the cleaning and preparing of my new apartment (yes, it was really gross). What made this exceptional, is that most of the people coming were people I had never met. The generosity of my friend, the wonderful housewarming gifts, the hard work of these new people in my life, and especially the birthday cake (!) just blew me away. I don't ever like to ask for help, despite needing it, and to have people reach out to me just took me to a place I never new existed. I love you guys.
  I've now been able to reflect with a lot more clarity, and have realized a few things. I am ridiculously lucky; I have so many fantastic people in my life, and I don't think I'll ever live long enough to repay all the love that's been shown to me. I also realize that I do have worth, and I am not disposable. In no way am I trying to reflect poorly on my marriage, but I feel now like I am healing, and I need to change direction.   It will take time, but that I have. As far as the reference to the song at the beginning of this post, I guess I just connected in my own little way. It's time to make my own way, break clean, and start again. 

Unbelievable poem

This was sent to me recently. Please enjoy this link; I've been enjoying it over and over.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcoMiGiDRjg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcoMiGiDRjg

Fake Plastic Trees

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIPgMkFDwng

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIPgMkFDwng

 Nothing like a great Radiohead song to inspire and motivate. This song found me as I was thinking about certain dynamics amongst people, and how they seem to be culminating on this journey I'm on. I'm confident that these dynamics have always been there, but I suspect that I am far more aware of them these days. Recently, it was noted from someone who had not seen me since this big change began in my life, that I appeared to be at peace, and generally happier. I agree, and I think that this peace is exactly what is opening my eyes to so many different things.

 Now, this new found perspective has its disadvantages too. I am quite a bit more guarded, and vulnerable to the shady side of life. I try my best not to be a cynic, and my biggest struggle is to not judge others, despite how I interpret their actions. I certainly have my share of faults, and I'm probably my own biggest critic about how I should live my life, treat other people, etc.  What I am discovering, is that having so much consideration can very much leave a person vulnerable to those who who lack that same consideration. I don't mean to say that they are inherently evil and will seek you out, but I think that if they don't sense an adversary, they get very careless about what they throw your way.

 Ok, enough ambiguity! I guess what has triggered my little diatribe on here, is that in the past few weeks, I have observed what I view as selfishness thrown at me from various sources at an alarming rate. I don't feel as though I am in the greatest position to process that right now, so it's making me a little grumpy, lol. I mean, anyone can have this sort of thing as a course of regular life, I just noticed that I got a extra helping of it lately. Not all of these scenarios affect me directly; some are beating up people close to me as well. I have quite a number of examples that for the sake of this writing, I will keep very generalized.

1. Intention.  Ever notice how many people have a killer poker face? These are the people that come under false pretenses, act as a friend, then BAM! Now you get to find out what they were really after; a romantic relationship, perhaps a financial opportunity, an escape from something in their own life, whatever. Not a nice thing to experience; it really puts a dent in a persons ability to trust anyone.

2. Respect.  I could probably go on for days about this. It's a broad, sweeping term, but it needs to be said. Respect is something that often gets thrown right under the proverbial bus, simply due to selfishness. I recently observed at my sons school, that a modern tactic is to have a child control behaviour by viewing their actions as a measure of respect to themselves, their teachers, peers, etc. Thank god for that! I suspect some adults should spend a little time back at school; respect used to be, and should continue to be a valid reason to treat others well.

3. Honesty.  People, honesty really is the way forward. One of the most noticeable things that is bringing me happiness, is the ability to put my cards on the table. It's actually very liberating to be forthcoming, and it really is the only way.

4. Consideration. I guess what triggered my thoughts on this, is it's total absence in a lot of areas. It's kind of a culmination of the list above, and it's something I strive to use as a guiding tool in my life. You don't need a reason to be nice to people, to be honest, to try and be good. It's just considerate! In recent weeks, I very much feel like I've suffered the effects of others inconsiderate behavior, and let me tell you this: It really sucks! For people that can't be bothered to think about the result of their actions, I can tell you that the stress, pain, and scars that it can leave are not to be taken lightly. It's a cancerous trait, and yet is so easily remedied.

So, ranting almost over! I guess I'm a little hyper-sensitive just by the sheer volume of crap I've noticed lately. It's nothing new, and I'm positive it will level off over time. The real reason that it prompted me to write, is that it genuinely hurts to see, or be a part of these short-comings. In the shell of me that remains of my former self, I am desperately trying to become what I crave from others, and lead a truly happy life. I have no room in my heart anymore for spite, judgement, and scorn for others. It's a real test, but I am pushing with all my strength to live well, and with love. The big challenge, and the connection to the song that prompted the post, is that I find most people not reaching deep from within, and are spiritually lazy. I am not trying to be critical, but it really does seem that a lot of people are plastic.

Loving the audience

Wow, just checking the stats on here, and I wanted to acknowledge the power of the web! Quite a few views from Russia, Germany, Australia  India, USA, etc. Just want to thank those of you who visited, and invite you to drop me a line sometime! Kindred spirit, or casual viewer, I'd love to hear from you