Faith, music, and irony

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v9yUVgrmPY



 Good evening friends!. I hope the day finds you well, wherever you are in the world! I'm sitting at home, late at night waiting patiently for this cantankerous winter to move on for a change, lol. I guess my motivation for posting is a little bit more vague this time; I have many thoughts on my mind these days, but I'm struggling to find a way to articulate them the way I want to for this blog.

  I guess I'll refer first to the the "ironic" song link I posted....It mostly caught my attention (20 years after its release, lol) for it's musical energy and exuberance, especially the harmonies, but its lyrics gave me pause as well. In retrospect, I can't help but appreciate the irony of the last few years, with respect to my own experiences as well as of those close to me. Speaking about relationships, I have seen how my own marriage had the opposite trajectories for both of us. My ex (with whom I enjoy a healthy friendship now) wanted a great deal of independence and freedom in her life, and has found herself in a couple of relationships, up to and including one now that is progressing and maturing at a pretty good pace. This is not a bad thing of course; I just can't help but appreciate the irony of her predicament, as someone who wanted a good long break from a committed relationship to now find herself in one. I am genuinely happy for her, and although I know she is nervous, I think it has all the earmarks of something good and lasting. A further irony, is that I am the opposite....I craved a long-term relationship, a partnership if you will. I have zero interest in being a lone-wolf in terms of my place in the world, but I am just enough of a free spirit that the right partner is extremely elusive, so much so that I am wondering if I should exclude that part of my life for the foreseeable future. I have been dating a fair bit, or at least I guess that's what they call it. Thankfully, I have met some wonderful people, but I have not been able to make that emotional connection. Among other things, both musical expression and religion seem to be stumbling blocks. Weird combination! That is how I will smoothly segue into the second link I posted, lol.....

 So, the feared public discussion about faith. I have no idea if my views are unique and I reside alone way out in left field, or what. Basically, I completely believe that there is a God in the way we understand and define God in a Christian interpretation, however I also believe that God has been revealed or lives in many different ways among everyone on earth. I do not believe that the way we necessarily practice faith is completely correct for all people, nor do I subscribe to any one denomination. I don't see the bible and the teachings quite the same way as most Christians do, but I don't doubt or question those who follow it in the traditional sense. Unfortunately, in my past that has led me to be excommunicated more than once, and in the back of my mind, I fear that it will happen again. It's extremely difficult to depict my dilemma in the space available on this blog, but essentially I believe that God has a connection with people on an individual basis, not as a group per say. I'm not trying to be a convenient hypocrite, but the amount of translation that has been lost over the years, not to mention to simple difference in exposure to the world that people experience has me believing a basic morality to guide me, plain and simple. Now, that has caused some distress in my relationships from both sides of the coin; I'm not a true Christian to some, and others have ridiculed me for even trying to be a good guy for the beliefs that I have.
  Anyway, I'm probably boring the life out of you with this post, but basically I am finding myself in a weird void, and it's a very lonely kind of place. I don't expect I'll ever find the answer to this particular dilemma, but I am staying true to my faith and who I am. I feel as though I am good to people, and generous with my heart. I can't quote scripture, and I swear too much, but I have a great deal of love in my heart for everyone. Have another song to enjoy:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LukEq643Mk

Car crash

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qw1QOrzZYbI


Hello! Yes, I've been very quiet on here for some time. Kind of a long, self imposed period of time for reflection I guess. What better way t come back than to have a post littered with metaphors and gloom! lol


About the song.....Our lady peace, and the song title is car crash. It's well worth a listen; very moody and dark, best listened too alone at the end of the day. The subtleties I personally took out of the song had me reflect on a number of things I've experienced over the years. More recently, this has to do with my professional working affiliations, but there are connections to previous family conflicts, and some relationships of years gone by. Perhaps the reader can relate in this way too!


In my case, I'm aware that depression has touched me somewhat over the years. I have a tendency to let the actions of others wear me down spiritually, and it can be a heavy weight to carry. I know this is anything but unique, but it is what I feel. In this song, I feel like it speaks to a familiar dynamic, usually displayed in a scenario where there is a predatory force, exerting their will over another. In many relationships of any given variety, the bully, or predator, will grind down and victimize the partner right to their limit. But, at the point of breaking, they are also the ones to "save' their victim, and bring them back into their arms, feigning love, dependency, etc and let the cycle start again. This is a pattern of abuse, make no mistake. I am very much going through this at work, but I have also faced it within my family. This is a very painful admission, and the part of this song that really prompted me to write about this, is the depiction of the futility that this abuse can create in someone's mind. It definitely feels like there is no winning or surviving the conflict. Stay, and continue to live the abuse. Leave, and be destroyed, or succumb to failure of a life you cannot live alone. Pretty self-defeating, no? It's really nothing complicated to see how some people can be driven to suicide. This kind of despair, futility, and lack of self-confidence can do a lot of damage. Speaking as someone who is very much sensitive to these emotions, I would humbly ask this of the reader.....take your actions with people with this in mind. You don't always know what someone is thinking or feeling, and it would always be a better way to address someone by re-affirming their worth and place in the world. They may not belong at your side, but they belong somewhere, and it is not for us to stand in the way of that. Getting in the way just results in a crash, and as for me, I don't really want to end that way.

Just give it a listen. Don't talk, just take it in

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaXoN1xwYW8

Not a good day (or month, or year)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAriDxTeed8

Well, you're my friend, (that's what you told me)
And can you see (what's inside of me)
Many times we've been out drinking
And many times we've shared our thoughts
But did you ever, ever notice, the kind of thoughts I got
Well you know I have a love, a love for everyone I know
And you know I have a drive to live I won't let go
But can you see it's opposition, comes arising up sometimes
That it's dreadful antiposition, comes blacking in my mind

And then I see a darkness
And then I see a darkness
And then I see a darkness
And then I see a darkness
And did you know how much I love you
Is a hope that somehow you, you
Can save me from this darkness

Well I hope that someday buddy
We have peace in our lives
Together or apart
Alone or with our wives
And we can stop our whoring
And pull the smiles inside
And light it up forever
And never go to sleep
My best unbeaten brother
This isn't all I see

Oh no, I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
And did you know how much I love you
Is a hope that somehow you, you
Can save me from this darkness

Hello friends! It's been a while, hasn't it? I took the summer off in an attempt to recharge, and get a little direction happening in my life. I dubbed the season "the summer of Hooper", and managed to cross a few items off my bucket list. I quit smoking in April, managed to run 10kms, and rode my motorcycle to Cape Breton, NS and around the Cabot trail. I drummed for a considerable number of shows, and finally sold my house. I was able to teach my son how to ride a bicycle, ride a tube behind a boat, and spent a great deal of time with him in general. It's been a whirlwind of a summer, but a wonderful experience in all. 

So, what's with the gloomy tune in this post? Well, I guess one can try to stay busy, but reality can keep pace on any given day. I'm just feeling pretty down lately, so I hope you can indulge me and tolerate my grumblings. I fear that my list of goals were thinly veiled to hide the fears I have yet to face; I'm embarking on a pretty nasty financial reality, and at some point I need to admit that I'm struggling emotionally with my view on the world. I'm growing very weary of feeling bad about myself, and my dwindling strength to deal with it is concerning me. It would also seem that there are still no shortage of people with poor intentions about, and that just keeps dragging me back down to ground level. I am definitely trying my best to improve myself, maintain a great outlook on life, but the cynicism is hard to deny. I thought originally that if I keep my goals realistic, I would actually achieve them.  Apparently, even simple desires are beyond my reach it seems. I certainly don't mean to gripe about my own issues, but in general I feel pretty bad about a lot of the crap people have to go through. It's pretty heartbreaking to think about what people can and will do to each other, and there is no end in sight. This is nothing new of course, I'm just not as well-equipped as I once was to deal with it. I'd give quite a bit to have a little piece of confidence in my portfolio these days, but for now it eludes me.Again, I apologize for such a dreary post, but I'm hurting pretty bad these days. I'll try to do a better job next time. 

A new season

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLrDBb1YuXU
All our times have comeHere, but now there, goneSeasons don't fear the reaperNor do the wind, the sun or the rain(We can be like they are)
Come on baby(Don't fear the reaper)Baby take my hand(Don't fear the reaper)We'll be able to fly(Don't fear the reaper)Baby I'm your man
Valentine is doneHere but now they're goneRomeo and JulietAre together in eternity(Romeo and Juliet)
40,000 men and women every day(Like Romeo and Juliet)40,000 men and women every day(Redefine happiness)Another 40,000 coming every day(We can be like they are)
Come on baby(Don't fear the reaper)Baby take my hand(Don't fear the reaper)We'll be able to fly(Don't fear the reaper)Baby I'm your man
Love of two is oneHere but now they're gone
Came the last night of sadnessAnd it was clear she couldn't go onThen the door was open and the wind appearedThe candles blew and then disappearedThe curtains flew and then he appeared(Saying, "Don't be afraid")
Come on baby(And she had no fear)And she ran to him(Then they started to fly)They looked backward and said goodbye(She had become like they are)She had taken his hand(She had become like they are)
  I finally get a chance to post again! It's been a very busy month; I've had a chance to play quite a number of open mic nights, as well as some gigs filling on the drums. It's been great fun for sure, and it has me pumped up for the summer! I'm pretty excited and motivated to get going with life, and as of this writing, I am 2 weeks without a cigarette too.   As for the inspirational song posted above; I linked a cover version of the Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't fear the Reaper". I guess I've been sort of observing again, as well as thinking about my own life, and I've seen how important it is to embrace the future. Over the winter months I have been able to remain active, meeting many new people with many different dynamics. The whole process over the last 2 years has allowed me to achieve an awareness of how I see the world, and of who I am. I guess I'm just thankful to to be finally seeing the culmination of all these lessons, as they've happened for me, as well as what I've witnessed through others.   I very much feel like I need to be very involved with music, very involved with people, and most of all, focused on my son. I'm doing a great job of letting all of the negative aspects go (see smoking!) and I'm finding a lot of appeal to throwing caution to the wind, and embracing the things that just feel right. There's a lot of wonderful things to experience in life, and as I think it has been beautifully articulated in the song above, it's important not to fear what is in front of you. Don't let the end of a current or past situation be the end of everything. Currently, I sort of feel like transitionally I am in the last two verses of this song :). I am ready to ride the spiral, to see the beauty in the world, to cross over into a new life. I can't expect this song to speak to anyone the way it spoke to me, but I encourage you to give it a listen, preferably on a sunny day, cranked up loud, in a car on a country drive. 

Easter

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40_QRjjAvTA


 This past weekend was Easter, and it was the first one I didn't spend with any of my family. Long story there, but I was able to attend some wonderful services both on Friday and Monday, and I had a family very close to me come and have dinner at my apartment on the Friday night.

 When my friends came for dinner, it was the parents and their three daughters (sweetest kids ever, BTW) . I had myself mentally prepared for a somewhat depressing weekend, what with it being a significant occasion that I was not able to spend with my son, first one living alone, etc. When my friends came, I was presented with the world's coolest chocolate bunny, and a card that they all filled out. I was absolutely blown away, and struggled to maintain my composure when I read the kindest words in that card. It really drove the point home to me, about how lucky I really am, and just how generous my friends can be. They have many relatives and friends, and a very active life, and yet they made the time to share the holiday with me.

 Another first for me this weekend was attending a church service for the Easter weekend. Now, I'm in no position to preach to anyone, but I have been learning a lot at these services. People, relationships, thoughts, are things that have been a very helpful part of me rebuilding my life. During the service I attended on the Sunday, there was an excerpt from the teaching that really put some perspective on the dynamics I'm going  through. Part of the teaching pointed to the fact that as people, we often want or expect wrath or vengeance to be visited on others who may have wronged us, or at least as we define it. In the same breath, we wish to only receive love, forgiveness and understanding. That's easy enough to process, but the challenge happens when we may become the target of another's wrath, or when we need to give love and understanding to someone else. In addition, is it enough to just be available to people in need, and to not wish wrath on them? For me, I have been ridiculously stubborn in my life, and I really don't like to ask for help.With regards to my friends, had they not gone the extra mile and demonstrate their kindness, would I have asked for it? I'm certain that most people I know would help if asked, and that has a degree of comfort in it. To answer the question though, I likely would not have asked. The fact is though, I do need their help and kindness, and is it ever amazing to have them reach out to me, as they do with so many people in their lives. If I've learned something here, it's that it really is important to reach out to people, and not necessarily wait until the request is dropped in your lap. For me, the happiness it brought me this weekend, and on many other occasions with this wonderful family, just can't be described. It motivates me to want to be a better person, and at the same time I'm overcome with gratitude for knowing them. I sure don't feel like I deserve that much kindness, but I am determined to become worthy of that consideration by trying to do the same for others. I suppose that's why I referenced the song in the link; I do feel like I am being lifted from a wreckage. And to the family I have been writing about, I will forever be in your debt. I love you guys

The grudge

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTLN_MozuPw

Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.
Desperate to control all and everything.
Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.
Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Terrified of being wrong. Ultimatum prison cell.

Saturn ascends, choose one or ten. Hang on or be humbled again.

   Interesting. I've recently had the unique opportunity to reflect on both my own ability to hold a grudge (or not, depends on your perspective) and also to be the object of someone else's grudge. I am writing about this more to capture the feeling I have right now, not necessarily to reflect on my overall position on this sort of thing. This is more of a reaction for me. 

Although rarely, I do sometimes think about how  I can process the more significant wrong-doings I've been put through in years past. I try not to give them a lot of energy, as they would continue to hurt me, and it would be impossible to reclaim happiness if I dwell on it. It is important however, to learn to protect yourself from further pain, and set a safe boundary in which you let people operate in your life. In addition, I try to keep a safe distance from the specific people who directly hurt me. I wouldn't call this holding a grudge, but I don't want to remain "open for business" to those who cause me pain. It is a fine line, but I would like to think that I have the confidence and strength to be both wary, and yet open to the great people in my world. I can say with confidence that despite the severity of things done to me, I have no appetite for retribution. I simply would ask that they move on; there is no battle to be had here. Life is far to short to dwell on conflict. To be on either side of a conflict inevitably turns cancerous. Nobody ever wins, and all that remains is sadness. I do believe that right or wrong, we must accept that we do not all share the same perspective. It can be hard, but accepting our differences and intricacies is the only way forward.  

Wear the grudge like a crown. Desperate to control.
Unable to forgive. And sinking deeper.

Defining, confining, sinking deeper. Controlling, defining, and we're sinking deeper.

Saturn comes back around to show you everything
Let's you choose what you will not see and then
Drags you down like a stone or lifts you up again
Spits you out like a child, light and innocent.

Saturn comes back around. Lifts you up like a child or
Drags you down like a stone to 
Consume you till you choose to let this go. 
Choose to let this go.

Give away the stone. Let the oceans take and transmutate this cold and fated 
anchor.
Give away the stone. Let the waters kiss and transmutate these leaden grudges 
into gold.

  And now, for the other side of the coin. In a matter of a few days, I have witnessed resentment towards others, resentment towards me, and it stirred a number of emotions. I can't preach to people, and tell them how they should process things, but perhaps I can offer this: Being someone who is the subject of a grudge, there is not always a way available to rectify it when you are met with hostility. For me specifically, I have been confronted no less than twice in one day, by two different people, on two very different issues. The conflict I have, is that in both cases, I cannot change things from years ago, and in the other case, I cannot change or predict the future. In both of my scenarios, at the core of it all, it is as simple as having a different perspective. I don't have any negative feelings towards these people, but it has been made very clear to me that there is hatred in their hearts, and the things said to me were very much full of spite and ill-will. For this, I can only respond in one way: This conflict is not a result of inconsiderate deeds, heartless actions or selfishness. I am truly sorry that your grudge against me sits upon a foundation of perspective, and I am sorry that you have chosen to be consumed by it. It is best to let go and move on. 

 Finally, for a grudge I witnessed but didn't involve me directly. A young lady contacted me last week, in search of her biological father. I guess I am on the friends list of the woman he ran away with, and basically abandoned his little girl and her Mom at birth, leaving them to struggle in a shelter. Keeping in mind my view on grudges, I don't know how to relate to this level of resentment this young woman has, and I definitely sympathize with her. Being a parent, I could never imagine leaving my child even for a day, let alone 23 years. Is this woman well-served to hold a grudge? Is that something you could ever heal from? I don't have these answers, and all I can do is pray that she finds peace, and someday reaches the point of closure. By the sounds of it, she has done very well for herself, and now has the family she was deprived of early on. To me, those are prayers answered. To her Dad who is still a mystery, I hope one day you can meet her, and provide the answers she seeks. Everyone has a right to live with happiness.