Wow, what a difference a few weeks can make. It's been a whirlwind, and I will offer this caveat before writing this post: I am not writing to specifically identify or quantify any particular individuals. This post, and the ones that will be sure to follow are meant to describe my interpretation of the lessons learned through my travels. I don't claim to know everything; these are just a few perspectives that I'd like to share. I like to have music as my inspiration, so I will be making references to songs that stand out to me. You've been warned!
"It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind
The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat"
So, I suppose I should start with baggage. It's something everyone has to one degree or another, and this is the year I was compelled to shed some of it. Going back to my childhood, there are some significant events that I now realize I had buried, forgotten, and moved on from. Ignorance is bliss, right? The only problem I discovered, is that somewhere, sometime, you'll get a visit from these memories. In my case, these events were horrific. After years of forgetting, I had a rude awakening this summer. Several developments collided with the stars, and BOOM!, all of a sudden I had a clear memory of being seven years old again. I remembered the emotions from then too, which scare me right down to my soul. You see, it is not necessary to focus on the events themselves, but to acknowledge the emotions that consumed me during my childhood. From around the age of 7 to approx 17, I lived with a fear that I can't even begin to describe. I mean, I was afraid of everything; teachers, bullies, death, you name it. This wasn't a healthy fear, this was paralyzing in many cases. I can say with total conviction, that my most consistent emotion during childhood was feeling like I was dying.
"But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again"
Moving along, as I got into my later teens, I grew in height, became physically shocking to look at (orange hair, earrings, etc), and basically assumed a persona that helped helped hide the total absence of self-confidence that I struggled with. It's funny; I continued to express such a persona in many forms right up until 40 years of age. On the outside, anyone would assume that I am brash, confident, and "have my shit together". I wish I believed that ego persona myself, but it wouldn't really explain why this visit from a dark past left me visibly shaking, crying, and hiding from people. Pretty tough to not only realize that you're not so tough, but to think that you're a fraud to all those people who believe in you.
"Because I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind
So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears"
So, I guess my reason for this post is this: I made some changes in my life. Big ones. There unfortunately are some people that I can no longer have in my life. That is NOT an easy decision, what one that needed to be made. I can no longer bear that cross. The switch that clicked in my head is not vague at all; I have a son. He needs his Dad to be complete, and there is no way in Hell I will allow him to suffer and have the baggage that I had. I know that you cannot protect your children from everything, but I can definitely give him a happy childhood for him to look back on one day. My aforementioned ego and persona? Whatever I have made people believe, whatever I fooled myself into being, it no longer matters. I am a Dad. That's the only person I want to be. I am the luckiest guy alive; my son is healthy, happy, and is loved. That's a name and a persona I can live up to
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