All is not lost

LATERALUS (from the band, TOOL)

Black then white are all I see in my infancy.
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.
lets me see.
As below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn beyond the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines.

 Ah yes, further struggles are in the air. So, I’m finding a noticeable increase in a stress that I have subconsciously had for a lifetime. As far back as I can recall, death has been a real tough thing for me to consider. I remember being extremely young, and being plagued with a fear of dying, to the point of crying myself to sleep every night for weeks. At the time, I had no way of describing the fear, but essentially I was just horrified that whenever it visited me, I was afraid of what was on the other side. I suppose everyone has had such a fear at some point if you were to ask them directly, but I just found it particularly scary.

  Fast forward to teen life; I generally started to romanticize death somewhat. I seemed to focus on the effect it had on someone’s survivors; was everyone shattered by the loss, ruefully acknowledging their death, or glad to see them go? I didn’t know it at the time, but I think this is when my true inner struggle began. Like many teens, I often dramatically thought about suicide; you know, girl dumps boy, boy snaps and gets the last word, shows her what she’s done, all that garbage.  I started to dwell on the sheer sadness of it all, and wanted to know if consciousness and life were really all that wonderful.

Feed my will to feel this moment urging me to cross the line.
Reaching out to embrace the random.
Reaching out to embrace whatever may come.

I embrace my desire to
feel the rhythm, to feel connected
enough to step aside and weep like a widow
to feel inspired, to fathom the power,
to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain,
to swing on the spiral
of our divinity and still be a human.

So, as of late I’ve had more of a clear view of one of my own characteristics. It came to me in an odd way; in fact it was the result of a doctors visit. I had gone in to complain of neck and shoulder pain; not the sore muscle kind, but a deep, throbbing ache that has been going non-stop for months. Without batting an eye, my doctor prescribed an anti-depressant. What?!?! She said that it was a very common symptom of depression, and when I protested, saying I’d rather deal with the cause of my stress rather than medicate it, she was quick to point out that it is more of a chemical imbalance than anything. Really. I don’t intend to question a trained professional, but it sure gave me a lot to think about. You see, I’ve often been of the thought that I had something wrong with me. I’ve had this weird relationship with death, dying, sadness, that doesn’t fit my rational side at all. I think very clearly in my day to day life, and I have an exceptional appreciation for the people I’ve known for years, and the ones that are more recent. I don’t like my friends, I love them. The thing I don’t get, is that I have been blessed with exceptional people in my life, but there are times where I can feel completely alone in a room full of people I care about. Weird, eh? On some level, I feel like I’ve done my part to contribute and be a part of the lives of the people I care about, and that my “time” to do that, is almost done, and I should step aside to make room for others.  I have this strange curse of consciousness, rational thought, clarity, sincerity, and it is all at odds with my emotions. I feel like my neck pain is symbolic not of depression, but the fatigue of carrying this sadness for so long. At times, I feel like its almost quitting time, punch the clock and go home. I’m quite a bit less afraid of the other side now, and I guess I’m over analyzing the importance of what’s out there.  

With my feet upon the ground I lose myself
between the sounds and open wide to suck it in,
I feel it move across my skin.
I'm reaching up and reaching out,
I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.

Spiral out. Keep going, going...

 I suppose this is why I have such a strange relationship with music. I absolutely get lost in powerful songs, the more tragic the better. I relish the time when I get let my soul crash down, feel the pain, and stimulate my imagination of the unknown.  I guess I’m really trying to get to a place where all I have left in this world is my love, and connection with all these wonderful people I have been blessed with.  I have an obsession with discarding the negatives of my life, any conflicts, soul-sucking distractions, all of it. I want to turn this pain into strength, and contribute in a way that has been shown to me. All it seems I can do right now, is to be generous in a materialistic way, but I want to give what is really important. I expect that if I fail at that, I can experience first-hand what it feels like to be forgotten, and the need to step aside to make room for others.  While writing this, I think it has revealed the truth of the loneliness I feel. I need to learn to give what others have given me. Nobody wants the superficial things I can give; they want to connect the same way I do.

Imagine that, I may have learned something new today.