Dreams

  So. This one is going to be really, really hard to start, let alone get right. I feel like this is the real reason I ever started a blog in the first place, despite that being a number of years ago now. I didn't know it at the time, and even now I am only beginning to acknowledge it.

 I'm writing today to dig into a dark little corner of my brain. I feel like I've had a struggle, a very dark and very significant struggle throughout my life. Those who know me might know about a few interesting traits; my inability to make eye contact, the fact I can be a little too loyal, cannot say no to people, can be a little distant, really uncomfortable with physical contact, and most of all, very tense. I have no doubt that there are more to mention, but these are what I notice myself a lot of the time. Internally though, I have much bigger struggles. I probably cannot reach them all right now, but I feel like I really need to address one of the biggies.

 Depression is almost a household name these days, and I'm no exception. To be more specific however, I have a real struggle with two big things. The ability to be happy, and I cannot stop thinking about dying and/or suffering badly. Not exactly suicidal thoughts in the traditional way, but more like being prepared to go, and to deserve the most brutal exit I can imagine.

 In the case of the former, I was asked very directly recently about what made me happy, and I completely drew a blank. I mean, I know I love my son completely, as I do the people close to me, but as far as things that a person does, or pursues for happiness, there is not a single thing. I feel like I've become apathetic in fact. I'm very prepared in every possible situation to lose, to have to survive again, to hurt, and to carry it alone. I pretty much always limit my involvement in a given situation so that when I inevitably crash and burn, I can maintain the simple little safe life I have. I used to be extremely passionate about many things, and I was very optimistic about any goal I set for myself. Right now though, it is completely opposite of that. I have somehow managed to cling to music, although I sense the struggle it is to feel the love I once had for it all those years ago. I worry about my appearance, but I do nothing to change it. I worry about my health, but won't stick to any of the things I need to do to protect it.
 Relationships have been a real struggle for me especially. I meet great people, and within a short time I can almost always see the inevitable pressure, strain, conflict, etc that leads to a conclusion. I will write another passage shortly to expand on those remarks, but for now suffice to say that it is an area I'm having a tough time finding happiness in. Basically, I feel like most of the time I really don't give a shit, because I expect things to end for me. I can remember a time when I had lofty, lifelong goals, and I was happy to pour in the effort to achieve them. I'm learning that some of the scars I've picked up along the away is the fact that I can't possibly see or understand that effort anymore. In my own situation, and in many I see near me, it seems that these wonderful goals are just that much more fragile, and less likely to succeed. Everybody is broken. I fight hard to not be a cynic, but my pragmatic self brings me there every single time. There are therapies, drugs, support groups, but again, and maybe I'm alone in this thinking, but none of it changes the reality that everything is so vulnerable.
 I used to have a little private balance in my happiness when I could daydream. It was great; listening to some good music, or just taking in some scenery, and getting kind of lost in the randomness of it. Even at night, I could steer the dream a bit. I could shape the life I thought I wanted, always make people happy, and simply not be detracted by the usual stuff in life. It gave me that little daily intermission when I could take a breath, regroup and go back at life like everyone else. There's a little passage I'll borrow from a writer here, tweaked slightly to suit the illustration I'm after:

 The dream is as real to me now as my waking life
I don't know when one begins and the other ends
I wish I could tell you. but I'm afraid to

In my dreams, nothing holds me down
Everything's out and away
There's nothing in my life to keep me here anymore

I wish I could die
and be born again as a....

 I suppose this is a good point to transition to the latter. As I said earlier, I don't consider myself suicidal at all. I do however have a constant feeling of my pending death, almost wishing for its arrival. This is not elective for me, it's just how I feel. Every single day, every single night, the dreams I used to look forward to as an escape are now dominated by thoughts of a self-loathing I'm not sure I can describe. Sometimes I think about being publicly beaten. Other times it's about being violently murdered, and sometimes it's a pretty spectacular vehicular crash. I'm a long way from understanding why these thoughts occur, but I am seeing some relevance with the cynicism I carry after a few too many setbacks in life. I'm really, really tired. There is never enough time to fix things, there is never enough time to learn, never time to be happy. It's almost comical when you see all the mental health awareness posts on social media, or stumble into a conversation when people apparently acknowledge these struggles. The fact is, we are collectively about as far away from managing this environment as a cow is from playing hockey. THAT is why I'm so damn tired. This isn't quite in the category of "mindfulness", this is a predictable result from a badly structured environment. I'm starting to feel like the old man who was raised not knowing about the dangers of lead paint and cigarettes, and is currently dying of cancer. We can tell our kids and save them from a similar fate, but the damned remain as they are.
 I'm afraid that's all I can do tonight. Kinda tired after all

Good people

Lots of music, lots of people, lots to think about!


 This post is about people. They could be your friends of many years, they could be friends just starting, or they could be brief acquaintances.  They could be family. This is is about how lucky we are, to be able to connect and to care about each other. To be able to teach, to be able to learn.

 Over recent weeks, I've had several close friends in completely unrelated scenarios go through some really tough times. Really heartbreaking stuff to be honest, and it was very hard seeing people I cared about in that kind of pain. There were many spontaneous and very long conversations, and they really poured their hearts out. It occurred to me just how important it was for me to be there to listen, and how much trust they must have in me to share their pain that way. Not surprisingly, these are all the same people that were there during my dark years that I've written about in this blog. It really struck me just how important it is to be available and be understanding when people need you, regardless of where on your journey you may be at the time. You may not always have answers or advice; being a sounding board for people when they are working through things may be just what they need. The big thing is to let them know that they are safe, cared for, and most importantly, being heard.  I consider myself infinitely lucky to have these people, in all the different capacities we are in, and to have a role in their lives. I just hope I can do for them all the things they have done for me.

 This kind of ties in with an impromptu conversation I had recently, mostly about a positive attitude, but also about the role I have with my son. As you may or may not know, my little guy is on the spectrum with Asperger's, and he is very much the biggest thing in my world! Seeing a little person with the struggles he has getting people to understand him really opened my eyes to so much, not the least of which is really listening to someone. This is not typically in the school setting, and this can make some pretty big waves in a developing mind. As a parent, and presumably as an educator, we need to remember that our job is not to create or build the person we want them to be, but to give them the tools and ability to become themselves. This is very crucial for all children, and it is also relevant when you see an adult struggling through something as well. They may not arrive at the same solutions you will, and they may have a very different path to discover things, but that's ok!

 I guess that I'm really getting my teeth into such a milestone in my life, and my level of understanding, that I really want to express how grateful I am. Every conversation, every person I meet, and every moment I spend with my son has taught me so much, and really brought me some peace in my soul. It's a great world out there, with great people in it.

Anyway, here's some cool tunes:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzQY7yRDil0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xp2P6JKc1QE&list=RDxp2P6JKc1QE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgCiJNHgCJQ