Ready to start

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwdUVjyxWrM

If the businessmen drink my blood
Like the kids at art school said they would
The I guess I'll just begin again.
You say, can we still be friends?

All the kids have always known
That the emperor wears no clothes
But they bow down to him anyway
'cause it's better then being alone.

If I was scared, I would,
and if I was bored, you know I would,
And if I was yours, but I'm not.

Now you're knocking at my door
Saying: "Please come out with us tonight"
But I would rather be alone,
then pretend I feel alright.

If the businessmen drink my blood
Like the kids at art school said they would
The I guess I'll just begin again.
You say, can we still be friends?


If I was scared, I would,
And if I was pure, you know I would,
And if I was yours, but I'm not.
Now I'm ready to start.

Now I'm ready to start,
I would rather be wrong than
Live in the shadows of your song.
My mind is open wide and
Now I'm ready to start.
My mind is open wide
And now I'm ready to start.

You're not sure
You opened the door
and step out into the dark.
Now I'm ready.


  So. The recent update in my life is that I finally got a place of my own to call home. It took quite a while, but as hard as it is to take that step, I felt like it was overdue. A lot of things I noticed during the process of trying to have a cordial relationship post-marriage, is that it brings out a lot of specific characteristics with people in your life. As if a divorce wasn't enough to have to consider, I will start with the negative experiences I've had, and finish with the wonderful ones, as they are what will propel me onward and upward in this life. 
  I've been struggling a lot in the past trying to process the disappointment I've had with some so-called friends in my area. I can expect to a degree that people will take sides in a divorce setting, but it is quite clear that ignorance and selfishness are the real truth with these folks, and there is absolutely no positive outcome for anyone involved. I've been very fortunate; my ex and I are making a considerable effort to move forward in a positive and respectful way, but the obstacles are a mere few people that I really can't comprehend. I generally don't care what they think of me specifically, but their childish, pathetic attempts to make themselves heard have a real impact on many innocent people, not the least of which is my son. I'll remain vague with this post in an effort not to defame or upset anyone specifically, but a mention is in order here. To those of you who gleefully want to celebrate my departure, and who also ridicule my ex, question our loyal friends who have reached unfathomable heights to help BOTH of us and our son, consider these facts: My son, is absolutely broken hearted, and cries regularly because we cannot live together anymore. You want to celebrate that? Our friends, who you have shunned for reasons I'm sure only a hollow person could understand, have played a vital role in support for not only my family, but countless others, and do so with a sincerity and love that leaves me speechless. Of this, you are aware, as you too have been blessed by their generosity and love too. 
 My immediate reaction was to be angry, but I cannot put my emotions in that category. I feel genuine sorrow and sadness for you. I hope and pray that at some point in your lives, you take a little time to consider the scope of your actions, and the people they harm. 

Finally, enough of those unhappy thoughts! In the process of my move, there was a number of things going on, and one big event that completely changed my perspective on things. You see, through this divorce I discovered that my own self-confidence was completely shattered. I hadn't fully realized it, or understood it before, but based on my own characteristics and beliefs, I became convinced that I was very much disposable, and had little or nothing to offer anyone anymore. I felt like a failure, and couldn't imagine where I would go from here. It can get pretty tough when you find yourself crying without provocation, not wanting to get up in the morning, paranoid that nobody likes you, etc. It's a dark hole to be in, and climbing out is something you'll likely need help with. 
 So, the life changing event. In more recent times, I've had a good friend who has really reached out to me, and been a source of inspiration in all aspects of my life. In fact, I can recall shortly after my separation, being invited to a wonderful birthday and family gathering at his home. That helped me immensely, and it's not something I will forget. Spiritually, he has been a significant person and a considerable mentor, and I think only now am I beginning to understand the magnitude of how lucky I am. You see, I got a text one day, offering to assist me with the cleaning and preparing of my new apartment (yes, it was really gross). What made this exceptional, is that most of the people coming were people I had never met. The generosity of my friend, the wonderful housewarming gifts, the hard work of these new people in my life, and especially the birthday cake (!) just blew me away. I don't ever like to ask for help, despite needing it, and to have people reach out to me just took me to a place I never new existed. I love you guys.
  I've now been able to reflect with a lot more clarity, and have realized a few things. I am ridiculously lucky; I have so many fantastic people in my life, and I don't think I'll ever live long enough to repay all the love that's been shown to me. I also realize that I do have worth, and I am not disposable. In no way am I trying to reflect poorly on my marriage, but I feel now like I am healing, and I need to change direction.   It will take time, but that I have. As far as the reference to the song at the beginning of this post, I guess I just connected in my own little way. It's time to make my own way, break clean, and start again.