http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hglVqACd1C8
Good evening friends! I thought I'd take a few minutes to update my state of mind these days. I'm currently settling in at my new apartment, which I moved into a couple of weeks ago. It's an interesting transition to say the least; the first few days put me in a pretty low place, but quickly a change is happening. On some level it feels quite right, and I am quickly finding motivation to broaden my perspectives and find my way. Having said that, there are also some new challenges before me, not the least of which is the confidence to interact with people in various roles in my life. It's a little unsettling to be expected to have a semi-clear vision on what my intentions and goals are, as these are things I am still trying to define, all while on a shaky foundation of self-confidence.
I'm going to make several references in this post, some from Tool's "sober", and some from The exorcist III, Legion. They simply resonate with some of the strange visuals that enter my mind, so if they seem a little odd, don't give it much thought.
There's a shadow just behind me
Shrouding every step I take
Making every promise empty
Pointing every finger at me
One of the more common dynamics I notice is the uncertainty I experience whenever I try to articulate an emotion, decision, or thought to the people I know. Make no mistake; I am absolutely blessed to have such wonderful people around me, and this nervousness is not something they are perpetuating. I suppose this is a paranoia not unlike what some drug users go through! I have an insatiable appetite to want to improve myself, and achieve a confidence that tells me I am a worthy friend, partner, etc,. This is a considerable distance from where I would rate myself as of right now. Inside, I have no shortage of love for people in a number of ways, but I am constantly feeling like anyone would be crazy to want to be near me. I remember likening a failed marriage to being the elephant in the room; you pretty much are defined by that status, and nobody really wants to be too close to it. In reality, many people I know have done incredible things to make sure I was ok, but this is an emotion I went through just the same.
The human brain, three pounds of tissue, held more than a hundred billion brain cells and five hundred trillion synaptic connections. It dreamed and wrote music and Einstein's equations, it created the language and the geometry and the engines that probed the stars, and it cradled a mother asleep through a storm while it woke her at the faintest cry from her child. A computer that could handle all of its functions would cover the surface of the earth.
I suspect that an emotional roller coaster should be of no surprise now that I am living the reality of starting a new life. I am thankful to be past the emotional healing stage of a marriage ending, but it is this overall life change that occupies my mind now. It's both wonderful and scary to consider the plethora of thoughts that cross my mind every day. It's also very confusing; how can I possibly be paranoid and worried, with such great people in my midst? I have seen kindness that I never could have visualized before, and a spiritual leadership that has left me completely humbled. I am not worthy of this, but I am fighting so hard to change that.
I am just a worthless liar
I am just an imbecile
I will only complicate you
Trust in me and fall as well
I will find a center in you
I will chew it up and leave
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down
I referred to this passage simply to acknowledge a by-product of big events in a persons life. To feel scarred, to feel the weight of responsibility whether perceived or real, you can become very detached from others. This passage can be taken two ways; do I consider myself poison to everyone else, not worthy of their consideration? Or is it equally possible that this describes my confidence, not to be trusted or relied on, for fear of falling down again? This is not something I am ready to answer. As I search tirelessly to reveal and understand my spirituality, I must stay true to the calling I have been feeling. On what I hope to be the most enlightening part of my journey, I am planning on keeping myself safe, and above all else, focused on the task at hand. I have to trust my intuition, and continue to pursue the life I feel I am meant to live. I feel I'm getting close, and I pray that I can find the strength to get to that place. I just wish I hadn't strayed so far to begin with. I genuinely feel like I am paying for a life I've lived so far, and that's ok with me. It's time to make it right.
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