The grudge

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTLN_MozuPw

Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.
Desperate to control all and everything.
Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.
Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Terrified of being wrong. Ultimatum prison cell.

Saturn ascends, choose one or ten. Hang on or be humbled again.

   Interesting. I've recently had the unique opportunity to reflect on both my own ability to hold a grudge (or not, depends on your perspective) and also to be the object of someone else's grudge. I am writing about this more to capture the feeling I have right now, not necessarily to reflect on my overall position on this sort of thing. This is more of a reaction for me. 

Although rarely, I do sometimes think about how  I can process the more significant wrong-doings I've been put through in years past. I try not to give them a lot of energy, as they would continue to hurt me, and it would be impossible to reclaim happiness if I dwell on it. It is important however, to learn to protect yourself from further pain, and set a safe boundary in which you let people operate in your life. In addition, I try to keep a safe distance from the specific people who directly hurt me. I wouldn't call this holding a grudge, but I don't want to remain "open for business" to those who cause me pain. It is a fine line, but I would like to think that I have the confidence and strength to be both wary, and yet open to the great people in my world. I can say with confidence that despite the severity of things done to me, I have no appetite for retribution. I simply would ask that they move on; there is no battle to be had here. Life is far to short to dwell on conflict. To be on either side of a conflict inevitably turns cancerous. Nobody ever wins, and all that remains is sadness. I do believe that right or wrong, we must accept that we do not all share the same perspective. It can be hard, but accepting our differences and intricacies is the only way forward.  

Wear the grudge like a crown. Desperate to control.
Unable to forgive. And sinking deeper.

Defining, confining, sinking deeper. Controlling, defining, and we're sinking deeper.

Saturn comes back around to show you everything
Let's you choose what you will not see and then
Drags you down like a stone or lifts you up again
Spits you out like a child, light and innocent.

Saturn comes back around. Lifts you up like a child or
Drags you down like a stone to 
Consume you till you choose to let this go. 
Choose to let this go.

Give away the stone. Let the oceans take and transmutate this cold and fated 
anchor.
Give away the stone. Let the waters kiss and transmutate these leaden grudges 
into gold.

  And now, for the other side of the coin. In a matter of a few days, I have witnessed resentment towards others, resentment towards me, and it stirred a number of emotions. I can't preach to people, and tell them how they should process things, but perhaps I can offer this: Being someone who is the subject of a grudge, there is not always a way available to rectify it when you are met with hostility. For me specifically, I have been confronted no less than twice in one day, by two different people, on two very different issues. The conflict I have, is that in both cases, I cannot change things from years ago, and in the other case, I cannot change or predict the future. In both of my scenarios, at the core of it all, it is as simple as having a different perspective. I don't have any negative feelings towards these people, but it has been made very clear to me that there is hatred in their hearts, and the things said to me were very much full of spite and ill-will. For this, I can only respond in one way: This conflict is not a result of inconsiderate deeds, heartless actions or selfishness. I am truly sorry that your grudge against me sits upon a foundation of perspective, and I am sorry that you have chosen to be consumed by it. It is best to let go and move on. 

 Finally, for a grudge I witnessed but didn't involve me directly. A young lady contacted me last week, in search of her biological father. I guess I am on the friends list of the woman he ran away with, and basically abandoned his little girl and her Mom at birth, leaving them to struggle in a shelter. Keeping in mind my view on grudges, I don't know how to relate to this level of resentment this young woman has, and I definitely sympathize with her. Being a parent, I could never imagine leaving my child even for a day, let alone 23 years. Is this woman well-served to hold a grudge? Is that something you could ever heal from? I don't have these answers, and all I can do is pray that she finds peace, and someday reaches the point of closure. By the sounds of it, she has done very well for herself, and now has the family she was deprived of early on. To me, those are prayers answered. To her Dad who is still a mystery, I hope one day you can meet her, and provide the answers she seeks. Everyone has a right to live with happiness.