Unbelievable poem

This was sent to me recently. Please enjoy this link; I've been enjoying it over and over.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcoMiGiDRjg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcoMiGiDRjg

Fake Plastic Trees

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIPgMkFDwng

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIPgMkFDwng

 Nothing like a great Radiohead song to inspire and motivate. This song found me as I was thinking about certain dynamics amongst people, and how they seem to be culminating on this journey I'm on. I'm confident that these dynamics have always been there, but I suspect that I am far more aware of them these days. Recently, it was noted from someone who had not seen me since this big change began in my life, that I appeared to be at peace, and generally happier. I agree, and I think that this peace is exactly what is opening my eyes to so many different things.

 Now, this new found perspective has its disadvantages too. I am quite a bit more guarded, and vulnerable to the shady side of life. I try my best not to be a cynic, and my biggest struggle is to not judge others, despite how I interpret their actions. I certainly have my share of faults, and I'm probably my own biggest critic about how I should live my life, treat other people, etc.  What I am discovering, is that having so much consideration can very much leave a person vulnerable to those who who lack that same consideration. I don't mean to say that they are inherently evil and will seek you out, but I think that if they don't sense an adversary, they get very careless about what they throw your way.

 Ok, enough ambiguity! I guess what has triggered my little diatribe on here, is that in the past few weeks, I have observed what I view as selfishness thrown at me from various sources at an alarming rate. I don't feel as though I am in the greatest position to process that right now, so it's making me a little grumpy, lol. I mean, anyone can have this sort of thing as a course of regular life, I just noticed that I got a extra helping of it lately. Not all of these scenarios affect me directly; some are beating up people close to me as well. I have quite a number of examples that for the sake of this writing, I will keep very generalized.

1. Intention.  Ever notice how many people have a killer poker face? These are the people that come under false pretenses, act as a friend, then BAM! Now you get to find out what they were really after; a romantic relationship, perhaps a financial opportunity, an escape from something in their own life, whatever. Not a nice thing to experience; it really puts a dent in a persons ability to trust anyone.

2. Respect.  I could probably go on for days about this. It's a broad, sweeping term, but it needs to be said. Respect is something that often gets thrown right under the proverbial bus, simply due to selfishness. I recently observed at my sons school, that a modern tactic is to have a child control behaviour by viewing their actions as a measure of respect to themselves, their teachers, peers, etc. Thank god for that! I suspect some adults should spend a little time back at school; respect used to be, and should continue to be a valid reason to treat others well.

3. Honesty.  People, honesty really is the way forward. One of the most noticeable things that is bringing me happiness, is the ability to put my cards on the table. It's actually very liberating to be forthcoming, and it really is the only way.

4. Consideration. I guess what triggered my thoughts on this, is it's total absence in a lot of areas. It's kind of a culmination of the list above, and it's something I strive to use as a guiding tool in my life. You don't need a reason to be nice to people, to be honest, to try and be good. It's just considerate! In recent weeks, I very much feel like I've suffered the effects of others inconsiderate behavior, and let me tell you this: It really sucks! For people that can't be bothered to think about the result of their actions, I can tell you that the stress, pain, and scars that it can leave are not to be taken lightly. It's a cancerous trait, and yet is so easily remedied.

So, ranting almost over! I guess I'm a little hyper-sensitive just by the sheer volume of crap I've noticed lately. It's nothing new, and I'm positive it will level off over time. The real reason that it prompted me to write, is that it genuinely hurts to see, or be a part of these short-comings. In the shell of me that remains of my former self, I am desperately trying to become what I crave from others, and lead a truly happy life. I have no room in my heart anymore for spite, judgement, and scorn for others. It's a real test, but I am pushing with all my strength to live well, and with love. The big challenge, and the connection to the song that prompted the post, is that I find most people not reaching deep from within, and are spiritually lazy. I am not trying to be critical, but it really does seem that a lot of people are plastic.

Loving the audience

Wow, just checking the stats on here, and I wanted to acknowledge the power of the web! Quite a few views from Russia, Germany, Australia  India, USA, etc. Just want to thank those of you who visited, and invite you to drop me a line sometime! Kindred spirit, or casual viewer, I'd love to hear from you

All is not lost

LATERALUS (from the band, TOOL)

Black then white are all I see in my infancy.
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.
lets me see.
As below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn beyond the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines.

 Ah yes, further struggles are in the air. So, I’m finding a noticeable increase in a stress that I have subconsciously had for a lifetime. As far back as I can recall, death has been a real tough thing for me to consider. I remember being extremely young, and being plagued with a fear of dying, to the point of crying myself to sleep every night for weeks. At the time, I had no way of describing the fear, but essentially I was just horrified that whenever it visited me, I was afraid of what was on the other side. I suppose everyone has had such a fear at some point if you were to ask them directly, but I just found it particularly scary.

  Fast forward to teen life; I generally started to romanticize death somewhat. I seemed to focus on the effect it had on someone’s survivors; was everyone shattered by the loss, ruefully acknowledging their death, or glad to see them go? I didn’t know it at the time, but I think this is when my true inner struggle began. Like many teens, I often dramatically thought about suicide; you know, girl dumps boy, boy snaps and gets the last word, shows her what she’s done, all that garbage.  I started to dwell on the sheer sadness of it all, and wanted to know if consciousness and life were really all that wonderful.

Feed my will to feel this moment urging me to cross the line.
Reaching out to embrace the random.
Reaching out to embrace whatever may come.

I embrace my desire to
feel the rhythm, to feel connected
enough to step aside and weep like a widow
to feel inspired, to fathom the power,
to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain,
to swing on the spiral
of our divinity and still be a human.

So, as of late I’ve had more of a clear view of one of my own characteristics. It came to me in an odd way; in fact it was the result of a doctors visit. I had gone in to complain of neck and shoulder pain; not the sore muscle kind, but a deep, throbbing ache that has been going non-stop for months. Without batting an eye, my doctor prescribed an anti-depressant. What?!?! She said that it was a very common symptom of depression, and when I protested, saying I’d rather deal with the cause of my stress rather than medicate it, she was quick to point out that it is more of a chemical imbalance than anything. Really. I don’t intend to question a trained professional, but it sure gave me a lot to think about. You see, I’ve often been of the thought that I had something wrong with me. I’ve had this weird relationship with death, dying, sadness, that doesn’t fit my rational side at all. I think very clearly in my day to day life, and I have an exceptional appreciation for the people I’ve known for years, and the ones that are more recent. I don’t like my friends, I love them. The thing I don’t get, is that I have been blessed with exceptional people in my life, but there are times where I can feel completely alone in a room full of people I care about. Weird, eh? On some level, I feel like I’ve done my part to contribute and be a part of the lives of the people I care about, and that my “time” to do that, is almost done, and I should step aside to make room for others.  I have this strange curse of consciousness, rational thought, clarity, sincerity, and it is all at odds with my emotions. I feel like my neck pain is symbolic not of depression, but the fatigue of carrying this sadness for so long. At times, I feel like its almost quitting time, punch the clock and go home. I’m quite a bit less afraid of the other side now, and I guess I’m over analyzing the importance of what’s out there.  

With my feet upon the ground I lose myself
between the sounds and open wide to suck it in,
I feel it move across my skin.
I'm reaching up and reaching out,
I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.

Spiral out. Keep going, going...

 I suppose this is why I have such a strange relationship with music. I absolutely get lost in powerful songs, the more tragic the better. I relish the time when I get let my soul crash down, feel the pain, and stimulate my imagination of the unknown.  I guess I’m really trying to get to a place where all I have left in this world is my love, and connection with all these wonderful people I have been blessed with.  I have an obsession with discarding the negatives of my life, any conflicts, soul-sucking distractions, all of it. I want to turn this pain into strength, and contribute in a way that has been shown to me. All it seems I can do right now, is to be generous in a materialistic way, but I want to give what is really important. I expect that if I fail at that, I can experience first-hand what it feels like to be forgotten, and the need to step aside to make room for others.  While writing this, I think it has revealed the truth of the loneliness I feel. I need to learn to give what others have given me. Nobody wants the superficial things I can give; they want to connect the same way I do.

Imagine that, I may have learned something new today. 

Where soul meets body

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uizQVriWp8M

"I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me and
Bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing 
And feel
Feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there's a Greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place where they're
Far more suited than here"



Meeting new people is quite an experience if you give it lots of thought. Especially if you're single, lol. Over the past year, I have gotten to know several people new in my life, and it never ceases to amaze me the different characteristics they can have. What I find the most fascinating however, is how they fit into my life, and how much their personality causes me to reflect and understand myself better. I consider myself to be a pretty complicated guy. I've been known to have very clear views and opinions, however in my thoughts I can't even sleep sometimes due to the process I go through trying to get the full perspective on what I've learned. I'm constantly deep in thought, and trying my best to "get" other people. In some instances, it can be very flattering when someone else takes an interest in you, but it can also be bittersweet when through that journey, you simply reveal more differences than what this new friend/relationship can sustain. For me, this begs the question of initial attraction. What is it that compels us to seek out more information about one person over another? I mean, I've met some people that categorically speaking I would not have much in common with, but engaged quite willingly in getting to know all the facts. The crappy part, is going through all the motions just to arrive at the conclusion that there is no spark. I suppose that is precisely what makes the "good connections" so special and fulfilling when they happen. 


"I cannot guess what you'll discover
We turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another's
And not one speck will remain

I do believe its true 
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too"

And about those good connections, lol. Well, I must be very fortunate; I have been lucky enough to have felt that over the course of my life. There is nothing quite like having a conversation with someone new, and feeling totally at ease, and like they fully understand everything you say. At the risk of sounding like an egomaniac, I generally find people speaking in very superficial tongues, to the point that it's hard to care what they have to say. Don't get me wrong; there is always a time and place for idle banter without serious overtones. I just know that when the moments are there to express, communicate, and share important thoughts, there are few that "get it". 





"So brown eyes I'll hold you near
Cause you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body"


I guess this post is meant to acknowledge and thank those of you who "get" me. You know who you are, and I cannot even begin to express how much I appreciate it.

My Cave

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KkUeRPjc-Y

Wow, what a difference a few weeks can make. It's been a whirlwind, and I will offer this caveat before writing this post: I am not writing to specifically identify or quantify any particular individuals. This post, and the ones that will be sure to follow are meant to describe my interpretation of the lessons learned through my travels. I don't claim to know everything; these are just a few perspectives that I'd like to share. I like to have music as my inspiration, so I will be making references to songs that stand out to me. You've been warned!


"It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat"


So, I suppose I should start with baggage. It's something everyone has to one degree or another, and this is the year I was compelled to shed some of it. Going back to my childhood, there are some significant events that I now realize I had buried, forgotten, and moved on from. Ignorance is bliss, right? The only problem I discovered, is that somewhere, sometime, you'll get a visit from these memories. In my case, these events were horrific. After years of forgetting, I had a rude awakening this summer. Several developments collided with the stars, and BOOM!, all of a sudden I had a clear memory of being seven years old again. I remembered the emotions from then too, which scare me right down to my soul. You see, it is not necessary to focus on the events themselves, but to acknowledge the emotions that consumed me during my childhood. From around the age of 7 to approx 17, I lived with a fear that I can't even begin to describe. I mean, I was afraid of everything; teachers, bullies, death, you name it. This wasn't a healthy fear, this was paralyzing in many cases. I can say with total conviction, that my most consistent emotion during childhood was feeling like I was dying.

"But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again"

Moving along, as I got into my later teens, I grew in height, became physically shocking to look at (orange hair, earrings, etc), and basically assumed a persona that helped helped hide the total absence of self-confidence that I struggled with. It's funny; I continued to express such a persona in many forms right up until 40 years of age. On the outside, anyone would assume that I am brash, confident, and "have my shit together". I wish I believed that ego persona myself, but it wouldn't really explain why this visit from a dark past left me visibly shaking, crying, and hiding from people. Pretty tough to not only realize that you're not so tough, but to think that you're a fraud to all those people who believe in you. 


"Because I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears"

So, I guess my reason for this post is this: I made some changes in my life. Big ones. There unfortunately are some people that I can no longer have in my life. That is NOT an easy decision, what one that needed to be made. I can no longer bear that cross. The switch that clicked in my head is not vague at all; I have a son. He needs his Dad to be complete, and there is no way in Hell I will allow him to suffer and have the baggage that I had. I know that you cannot protect your children from everything, but I can definitely give him a happy childhood for him to look back on one day. My aforementioned ego and persona? Whatever I have made people believe, whatever I fooled myself into being, it no longer matters. I am a Dad. That's the only person I want to be. I am the luckiest guy alive; my son is healthy, happy, and is loved. That's a name and a persona I can live up to

Naveed

 Naveed, is a Persian name meaning "bearer of good news" or "best wishes". 
So, it's been a while since I've posted, and I suppose that this blog has evolved into more of a random thought post for me instead of my vehicular chronicles. The title of this post occurred to me originally from the band "Our Lady Peace", who enlisted this name as their title track on their first album. It is definitely not a new release, and I suppose I chose to reference it not only for it's meaning in general, but it's relevance to me after so many years of listening to it. 
 As I've mentioned before, I now find myself a little over a year of being officially separated. There has been quite a number of emotions, dynamics, and discoveries during this process, not the least of which is the fact that I have grown to be quite a bit more philosophical about the little intricacies we see every day. Every once in a while, the pondering evolves into a lesson, and it subtly shapes my character as I go forward in life. Who ever said "school is never out" couldn't be more right. 
 So, in reference to this particular song bearing the title of this post; it made me stop and think of a number of scenarios that are close to me. The song, in my own personal translation of it, metaphorically describes the best intentions that could be projected to others, but in spite of this, some circumstances have people either being afraid of improving their particular state, or choosing to let the chips fall and the inevitable result be realized. The song depicts an extreme conclusion, but speaks to the realization that despite your best intentions, some people    just might not want, or be able to receive your love.  To whit: "would Naveed let a young man die"  Kind of like leading a horse to water, but not being able to make him drink. Don't get me wrong; I have no divine insight into this, but it is how I interpret it. 
 What the Hell does all this mean? Lol, I guess it helps me understand how I've processed my own troubles, and why people close to me might process theirs differently. In my case, I have had no shortage of kindness shown to me, and that gave me the strength to face the pain head on, heal, and find the path forward. It has also helped me to be supportive of others that would not approach their difficulties the same way; and to remain caring, understanding and patient for them, regardless of how they choose to carry on. On some level, we must understand that we can't all save the world, and let people find their own path. It's not up to us as individuals to change the course of the world, but to be versatile and roll with things as they come, and above all else remain true to our values. We must understand that we cannot be all things to all people, and that's just a fact of life. 

 Anyway, this might read as nonsense to some, but it's my blog, and I'll write what I want to :) To any readers, I hope that the day finds you well.